Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2018 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: April 2018
SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/1/2018:
It's Easter--day of faith and kin!
Strange symbolic mix, to it, pinned--
eggs, baskets and rabbits;
rebirth, spring… Dagnabbit!
I praise most…chicks soon showing skin!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/1/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy April Fool's Day!...

Er, Happy Extra Cheezy Easter!...

Okay… Happy Extra Cheezy April Fools' Easter!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/2/2018:
NRA sought someone folks'd like--
star spokesman to sooth public psych!
Get nod to diversity
but could pick much worse be
with a name like "Killer Mike"?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/2/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Dyngus Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/3/2018:
Justice Stevens' gun prob. solution--
give Second Amendment a douchin'?...
Can't say I agree, bruh!
Might give Trump ideas--
show him inch, he'll take Constitution!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/3/2018:
So Apple now has a plan to make everyone's health data available on its iPhones!

In their take, this is all about "empowering patients with their own health information."

We're going to be seeing a whole lot of this in the future. Perhaps from here on out, as is said.

But realize, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers, that whenever you read about this "empowerment" through personal access to data--substitute whatever term is relevant in place of "health" here--you, iPhone user (or Android, etc., because it'll bleed out from just Apple) won't be the only one so empowered.

In fact, don't let this get you to feeling all special--Big Insurance, Big Pharma, Big Business, Big Piracy, Big Advertising, Big Data, you name it… The whole freakin' WORLD will also be so "empowered" with your health information.

With "empowerment" like this… Well, pass us the shackles!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/4/2018:
'Mid St. Patrick's weekend's get-bombed fest,
had hour meal break 'tween gigs--held promise!
Chose hotdog treat! Drunken lines
left five mins. to-eat bind--
one-man hotdog eating contest!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/4/2018:
What we in the United States call "potato chips," those across the sea in England call "potato crisps."

In the U.S., however, a popular brand of potato chip-like snack, Pringles, dubs its product "potato crisps."

So what the hell would they call them in the U.K…. Or DO they have them in the U.K.?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/5/2018:
These Dark Ages, once small group's grown--
"What good's science?" ask Luddite drones!
To them, I beseech this--
need surg'ry? Try leeches!
Or better yet, toss your smartphones!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/5/2018:
So, the star of "Keeping Up With the White House" is calling the Department of Justice's slow, careful response to the GOP's Clinton e-mail fishing expedition an "embarrassment to our country."

As the old adage goes, it takes one to know one…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/6/2018:
Now cries Kelly Ripa, "bod shaming"?
Post pic in bikini--world's blaming?
Pose half-nude, 'Net's crowded street--
bitch at cheers, jeers folks bleat?
"Victim" claim here sure has lame ring!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/6/2018:
So the Sinclair Broadcast Group, recently unleashed to Go Monopoly by the GOP-led Congress, had its journalists…or its "on-air talent," anyway… Well, they all did this announcement thing about Sinclair being the "only real news" and everything else being "fake news."

Fake news is real news… Real news is fake news… Ignorance is Strength… Having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that our pronouncement of an Internet Dark Ages is knee-jerk, whackjob conspiracy theorism… But we're workin' on it… War is peace…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/7/2018:
There was a baseball player, Chong,
whose unit, so monstrous and long,
slipped out of his fly
at plate one day--guy
hit out-of-park run with his schlong!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/7/2018:
So, Bill Cosby's life…now.

This is the kinda thing they SHOULD make "reality" TV shows out of.

But they won't.

So this "reality" TV thing will remain a curiosity to us.

Like space aliens arriving on Earth, we scratch our heads, "Why do these creatures watch this stuff? What possible entertainment, or other, value does it hold that we're not seeing?"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/8/2018:
So Apple seeks for iPhones, now heard,
full health data access allowed! Word's
it'd "empower" users?
In 'Net Age, real news here's
that whole world, to it'd, be "empowered"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/8/2018:
A new poll finds that nearly one-third of Canadians don't believe that people and industry cause climate change.

Who the hell do Canadians think they are--Americans?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/9/2018:
Trump says Hil's e-mail case, such slow one,
"embarrassment" to country! No one
can argue! Must say
that, pardon cliché,
as old saw goes, "Takes one to know one"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/9/2018:
A new trend among Millennial parents is naming children after… IKEA merchandise?

Well, in any event, they're certainly not using the names Alexa and Siri… Right?

Not much consolation. But it's at least a little somethin' to curb the wave of annoyance…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/10/2018:
'Net Dark Ages, regs. killed, merged beast
Sinclair forced "news" folks read release--
"We're real news; rest fake"?
What, of this, to make?
Guess this must mean, then… "War is Peace"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/10/2018:
So the State of California is forcing coffee sellers to furnish labels warning customers that the product may cause cancer, despite… Well, the jury's still out on that issue but, hey, secondhand science is now the established liberal answer to fake news.

Considering that diseases like cancer largely arise because human beings weren't originally designed to live this long, nor in the modern way of life, rather than fret about what's next in this labeling parade, why not just start slapping all babies with a "Life Causes Cancer" tag?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/11/2018:
What Brits call "chips" we 'Mer'cans chose
to call "fries" and what U.S. knows
as "chips" are fries over there!
Pringles pack? "Crisps," made 'ware…
What the hell do Brits call THOSE?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/11/2018:
So I've been eatin' the stuff in the more or less traditional way, with a little sauerkraut, some potato and onion.

Been eatin' it plain.

Oh, and it's great with eggs.

Next up, gonna be mixin' the stuff into some New Orleans-style meal kits, for which adding meat can make them go from side dishes to meals. Perhaps even gettin' more creative from there.

Yup. If you have any Polish in you, kielbasa's to the days/weeks following Easter what turkey is to those following Thanksgiving…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/12/2018:
Like an E.T., scratch head, at loss be
to 'splain "real" TV--why one'd watch? See
some whose lives, window to, now
'd'justify, but, somehow
don't see new show like, say, "Cosby"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/12/2018:
So Walden Pond, the legendary milieu of nature-loving scribe Henry David Thoreau, has become such a popular site for outdoorsy (and generally "liberal"-leaning) folks that it has come… Well, one big kiddie pool, so to speak.

Which just goes to show you… Number One, dangerous zealots exist in every political and philosophical make and mold. And Number Two… Well, considering the circumstances, let's not go there… Do THEY go there--you know, in THAT way, as well?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/13/2018:
As Warning State, Cali takes stance fer!
Tag coffee with C-Word's new answer?
Facts? Sketchy at best!
'Void future fear fests--
tag babies with "Life Causes Cancer"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/13/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the 13th… (Made all the more frightening so close to the dreaded demon celebration known as… Tax Day!)…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/14/2018:
A frazzled attorney named Gene
hired intern, toward whom grew keen!
'Tween look/years age, great divide!
Check res'me? Swamped--let slide!
Proved Girl Friday…the Thirteen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/14/2018:
So the United States' first Black billionaire, BET co-founder Robert Johnson, says Blacks should be happy about Donald Trump's presidency, what with the booming (never mind volatile) economy.

Hmmm.

Now, firstly, Johnson is far removed from your average American Black. In fact, he's among the One Percent, benefiting far more than the rest of us from the current economy. You could say, metaphorically, that he's a tomcat.

And, secondly, without looking into his family, one can assume that he either has siblings with children, or at least friends with them, and is thus referred to, one way or another, with a moniker literally applying to the former situation and/or colloquially applying to the latter.

Thus, in interpreting Robert Johnson's comments on Fuehrer Trump, you need to put these two facts together--he's a "Tom"… at the same time he's an "Uncle"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/15/2018:
Millennial babe name trend 'pears be
of IKEA stuff? Though, quite clearly,
white names 'volve annoying…
Plus? Not (hope!) employing
top lame names Alexa and Siri!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/15/2018:
So Jim Carrey, after skewing Fuehrer Trump, now hits Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg in his…paintings.

An odd medium…though, then again, not so odd, as these things go. But without going into the quality of his art works, gotta give the guy credit for pulling off something ridiculously rare these days.

In fact, the guy's to be commended for displaying the qualities of an endangered philosophy called… Bipartisanship!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/16/2018:
Canadian poll--1/3rd share
don't think we cause climate change! 'Ware
moves, many've, occurred,
but didn't think were
Trump SUPPORTERS moving up there!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/16/2018:
Regarding this coming April 23rd, a Fox News headlines asks the question--

"Are Biblical End Times Upon Us?"

Whoo, boy.

Now, the news outlet takes its fair share of ribbing, some deserved, some overblown. Folks question its objectivity, as well as its journalistic capabilities and its sensationalistic tendencies, BUT, there is an easy fix. Boils down to basic truth in advertising stuff, actually.

A simple change in its name's spelling is in order--

"Faux News"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/17/2018:
Thoreau's Walden Pond, famed site where
nature lovers pilgrimage, dared
to pee it up, through and through!
Wond'ring 'bout Number Two…
We (and hope THEY) won't go there!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/17/2018:
Happy… (Er, is that the right word?)… (Why not?)… Yes, Happy Extra Cheezy Tax Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/18/2018:
Ways to eat leftovers post-feast--pure,
in sandwiches, casseroles, pieced, stirred!
Post-Holidays' goal--dish
meals out! If your Polish
kielbasa's the turkey of Easter!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/18/2018:
Art imitates Life, and Life imitates Art, but of all the facets to Life, the art of music focuses at least 90 percent on love, and its subgenres of romance, sex, etc.

It is said that, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" so… I'd think there should be a whole lot more tuneage about food!

Hey. They don't say "can't live with it, can't live without it" about food!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/19/2018:
BET's Rob Johnson… Dough? Trunks full!
Said Blacks should dig Trump for job bump pulled?
Earns nickname from this bomb--
cash makes him, 'mong cats, "Tom";
and sure kin's/friends' kids dub him "Uncle"…

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/19/2018:
Rather than "Blonde," why doesn't Starbucks just go ahead and call its newest, hyper-marketed espresso "Aryan"?...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/20/2018:
Claims rest biased--"lib'ral flow choose!"
Two wrongs make right? And right, show skews!
Truth in advertising!
To meet, change advising--
spell change, couple letters… "Faux News"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/20/2018:
There's really only one employee on the reality show "Keeping Up With the White House" who's safe from hearing, "You're fired!"

That would be Sean Hannity!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/21/2018:
As part of dude's birthday to-do,
crab shack with brand oh-so guru!
Dove in with lips smackin';
on sweet legs, got crackin'!
(And workin' on those crab legs, too!)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/21/2018:
A certain African nation has fired thousands of striking nurses, leaving its already struggling healthcare industry in shambles.

Seems that somebody there has as campaign to "Make Zimbabwe Great Again"!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/22/2018:
'Mid incidents its flaks try bur'yan';
"Espresso Blonde" flag Starbucks carr'yin'…
'D'be quite apropos
to go with the flow
and just market "Espresso Aryan"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/22/2018:
Ever hear a WWE fan, say, upon seeing the Olympics, call real wrestling "fake"?

That's what's happening, right now, before our eyes, with a "sport" called "the news"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/23/2018:
On "Keeping Up With White House," canned we see
staff weekly, or more, from Pres. Real TV!
But there's one member of staff
safe from "fired!" 'gardless gaffe!
That Trump staff dude is…Sean Hannity!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/23/2018:
The age old wisdom says, "Everything in moderation."

It being unwise to blindly accept clichés from ancient days, studies are produced by studiers of things. On the same topic as the above-mentioned saying, these studiers of things have been telling us, for years now, that small amounts of alcohol, say a glass a wine or two per day, actually causes positive health effects.

Recently, these studiers of things have been pushing home the idea, however, that consuming large amounts of alcohol regularly in fact causes negative health effects.

Thank God we're living in an enlightened age where we don't have to rely blindly on ancient so-called "wisdom"! Today we have studiers of things!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/24/2018:
In Africa, nurses strike went
on so long, they fired 'em all! Then
messed-up healthcare there, worse grew!
Guessin' they've pres'dent who
"Makes Zimbabwe Great Again"!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/24/2018:
If you're reading this… Well, the world apparently didn't end yesterday. As predicted by… (He hee…ho ho… Hawww…) Ahem.

Now and then we're still a little self-conscious here at Daily Limerick, as a form of news outlet.

Our news feed brought no word on, say, the trials, reactions, finding, etc. of recent police shootings/beatings of unarmed black people. And yet, regarding April 23… Well.

Makin' sure we realize what is and isn't "newsworthy," so always keepin' an eye on the Big Boys.

And, yes, shockingly enough, the world didn't end yesterday...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/25/2018:
Through Time, Music Muse's tone, 'tude's
fed on, love, sex, romance as mood…
Sure, all top Life glories!
But why, I'm imploring,
not more from Life's glory of…food!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/25/2018:
Chicken Kiev is one of those dishes that's a regular part of my eating routine and yet… Well, I've yet to eat one in the "proper" way, or whatever you'd call it. That is, handmade, in a restaurant, or homemade.

I vaguely recalling buying a store-made variety once, at my local Jewel, which has a fine kitchen and yet… Well, since I didn't go out of my way, make a mental note, etc., to repurchase that type of Kiev, and went right back to the frozen brand that is my eating staple, gotta MAYBE conclude that I've grown so used to the knock-off variety that perhaps I PREFER frozen Chicken Kiev.

I do have one complaint about 'em, though. See, a main attraction is the centers filled with oozing, liquid butter when they're pulled from the oven.

Maybe I'm being a fussbudget about it, but I like breaking open the Kiev with a fork and having that butter spill out but… Well, far too often the butter somehow seeps out in the cooking process and evaporates. Same overall flavor, I suppose, but… I usually toss three of those babies in the oven for a dinner and I'm lucky as hell to have even two retain the liquid butter.

I've tried altering the cooking times slightly, as the directions provide a range, and other attempts to make liquid butter retention more likely, to no avail.

We can put a man on the moon, but… Well, yeah, regarding pre-made, frozen Chicken Kievs we can't… You know…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/26/2018:
Analogy here, now can use--
pro "wrestling" fan sees 'Lympics; dude
says, "Wrestling? That must be fake!"
Explains the public's take
and conception of The News!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/26/2018:
The old saw says, "You need experience to land a job…and you need a job to gain experience."

Now, apparently, this has an addendum--

"When you lose a job, you need welfare…but you can't get welfare without a job"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/27/2018:
Tweaked copyright vote? What occurred?
One story, of slew, found no word,
news feed, great importance!
Yet "news" got no shortin'…
that world didn't end, Twenty-Third?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/27/2018:
So Amazon is now targeting children in various ways, including marketing candy-colored versions of its Big Brother…er, of its Echo "personal assistant" system.

This is the type of thing one'd think the so-called "Left" would have its knickers all in a twist over. But since Trump has made Amazon the target of his drooling froth, they simply can't do that.

Partisan politics, folks. Don't decide issues individually--or complex issues piece-by-piece--just buy into the line of the Almighty Party.

Although Life isn't black and white… Well, 100 percent "black" and/or "white" is the New Shades of Grey…

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/28/2018:
Lust at first sight, found Kate, in sundress,
for Zeke, far too horny for undress,
so dress? Just flipped up!
Probed her buttercup
and turned sundress into a fun-dress!

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/28/2018:
Time to stop using the verb "trump" except for… Well, capitalized, if you follow.

Seriously. Ala, "concerns over safety TRUMP those of price"? Are you reading, news outlets?

The word can no longer connote its original meaning without distracting the reader toward its new meaning(s).

Curiously enough, kinda like the word "gay"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 4/29/2018:
Cutting-edge science on booze libations--
drink now, then can be health sensation…
too much, health probs may bring!
So, like ancient saying,
"Everything in moderation"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/29/2018:
Finally, there's a punchline for this joke--

What do you call someone who actually takes something, ANYTHING Kanye West says seriously?

Miraculously, Fuehrer Trump!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 4/30/2018:
Employment's Catch-22 quirk--
need experience, or job-shirked…
and for that? You need job!
New one, GOP lobs--
jobless, so need welfare? Must work!?

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SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 4/30/2018:
So, they're remaking the movie "Overboard," with, of course, as I think may be the law now, gender-bending.

Setting aside the REAL main reason for this--Hollywood's laziness on the creation of original content plus the lack of original content via books, etc. amid these Internet Dark Ages--let's focus on the Cult of Gender-Bending and its quest to remake EVERYTHING ever made with minority characters.

Do you think they'll stop when they paint themselves into a corner on this, leaving the only solution to a remake-ready flick as having a male get pregnant...or just have the male get pregnant anyway?

There oughta be Vegas odds on this, because it's sure as hell comin'!...