Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2018 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: February 2018
DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2018:
Sometimes mull, "Am I stubborn ass?"
Likes, Siri, Alexa--won't gas!
Now read TSA's
voice rec'nition play…
Gut was right--talk to phone? I'll pass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2018:
Okay, we've made some hay over the GOP's Reverse Robin Hood tax bill, whined about it being yet another boost only to that damned One Percent.

But news came out that more that TWO Percent of workers have received raises and/or bonuses since this bill was unleashed!

Meaning the tax bill is really only screwing 98 Percent of us, rather than 99 Percent.

And that… Oh, pardon us if we hold off on the confetti for a bit…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2018:
With nation, world, governments, press,
to his statement, glued--must confess!
Is Hope close--or rough slog?
Hail to the chief…Groundhog!
His State of the Shadow Address!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2018:
A fellow met lady in pub
whose go-go boots gave him a chub!
Made time, with much trying,
and felt he was flying--
when he soon joined the Thigh-High Club!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2018:
With this unprecedented stock market, etc. boom, and the Great Recession still close in memory, we're stoked!

See, today's situation is totally different. See, the Great Recession actually started festering much earlier with massive deregulation of banking, real estate and similar industries, whereas today… Hmmm.

Well, anyway, even right up to the Great Recession, the "experts" and such were… Well, pretty much screechingly optimistic, whereas now… Ahem.

Oh, pay no attention to we crackpots here at Daily Limerick.

We've been playing chicken little for so long. Unleashing whackjob, conspiracy theories about how selfie media was gonna shake-out a harmful thing for society more than a decade ago, for instance?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2018:
The asteroid that was to wipe
us out today--or 'least close swipe?
What happened? See, here's thing--
looked forward to viewing
something tonight more than all hype!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2018:
Rep. Brenda Lawrence (D-Mich.) was caught red-handed playing Candy Crush during the State of the Union Address last week.

Hey, you focus on your mindless drivel, I'll focus on mine…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2018:
Saw Valentine's promo, read, "Get
gift of shingles vaccine"? Now, let
me say, though I'm single, free,
and not most, surely, me,
romantic man on earth, yet…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2018:
So there are all these commercials now for banks, focusing on the fact that they now have apps you can use to pay, say, your friend, at any time, wherever you are.

This as the likes of Apple are ballyhooing silly, just silly, features like Apple Pay, which accomplish the same things as these banking apps.

THIS is an attraction? We here at Daily Limerick like the old way--"Uh, Joe, I know I owe you that $50, but, uh… I have to get to the bank and, er, might not be able to get that until Tuesday… Oh, wait! Don't know if my paycheck will have cleared by then… Better make it Friday?"

This is reminiscent of the poor, bent-over, pre-lubed slobs who paid extra for novelty checks, so that they could provide brief amusement to, say, their landlords and such.

But at least with those, you still had the "Check's in the mail" option…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2018:
Thought I knew pol'tics… Went to heck!
Still floored by that '16 train wreck!
Real'ty's fabric's grown lumps!
Read… Gore defending Trump?
Time for a Gravity Check!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2018:
Sure, we live in a society that's rude, perpetually distracted and largely ignorant of politics and other important forces and… Well, while we consider ourselves Champions of the Common Man… That's sometimes a hard philosophy to swallow.

But every now and then, people step up, when the chips are down (for lack of a non-cliché), and remind us of the Hope that exists in each and every Human soul.

One such occurrence can been found in the current news--

Sales of that thousand-dollar iPhone were completely lackluster, after all!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2018:
Cook dish with hot peppers, find deed'll
through chopping, make mess, and so seeds'll
stick to you, through house, fall down!
Stay heart/mind, all year 'round--
they're chefing's Christmas Tree needles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2018:
New research is indicating that plant life may in fact have some form of consciousness.

So vegetarians and vegans will soon be forced to eat… What, exactly?

Hmmm. A form of Darwinism that eliminates the annoying?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2018:
So Hil showed at Grammys? Seems wrong! Bear
in mind she's, 'course, not known for song! Dare
I say "none's" fine reason!
Hil sing? Can't be pleasin'!
Much better than if she'd BELONGED there!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2018:
Now, our Fuehrer prides himself on being opposed to "political correctness." (We put that in quotes because the very definition of the term has mutated over the years. In our Fuehrer's case, it translates as "racist as all hell." But let's set that ball of wax aside for now.)

Political correctness was, originally, all about quibbling over using the exact, right words and phrases.

Yet Fuehrer Trump has tried to forbid the use of certain words in official government documents. Which would seem to meet the very definition of… Hmm.

Okay, this wouldn't be "political correctness," given the motives. Then again, it wouldn't be "political incorrectness," because that implies, say, comedians telling shock-value gags and such.

We think you see our point. Just having trouble giving it a proper name. "Political wrongness?" Now, that doesn't work… Hmm.

Maybe we should just ban the use of the term "political correctness," because… Oh, boy.

Our Fuehrer's Newspeak is apparently contagious…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2018:
Address, State of Union, head swiveled,
to phone's Candy Crush?! Seem uncivil?
Congresswoman speech eschewed,
exercising right--to
each his/her own mindless drivel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2018:
Japan has launched the smallest rocket to ever carry a satellite into orbit.

And they sure as hell ain't gonna win any awards for stereotype-breaking…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2018:
All-woman safari had hunch
cannibals were 'round! So, 'fore bunch
came by, to flirt bait 'em,
prettied-up! Tribe ate 'em--
but first, they found time to "do lunch"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2018:
An election for an Illinois congressional district, as we pen this, currently has only one Republican candidate, no challenger, who is a… Holocaust denier.

Considering the GOP's fuehrer…er, leader, this is shocking to people…why, exactly?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2018:
Banks op'ning all 'round, e'en next door--
regs yanked! Bubbles, too--Bitcoin, more…
Though no doom say'r--not my style--
stocks soar, then volatile…
Hmm. Where've we see THIS before…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2018:
So T-Rump wants to have a military parade?

Seems an, er, normal thing for a leader of a democratic, free, modern nation to do.

Do you think it'll follow a straight path or sorta, you know, zig-heil…make that, zigZAG a bit?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2018:
Bank apps, Apple Pay--ads these hail!
Pay those owed in flash! Me? I'll trail
behind times on this action!
Don't quite see attraction--
fact, miss ol' "check's in the mail"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2018:
So we stumble across this headline in our news feed, compliments of CNBC--

"Ten Ways the Web and Internet Have Transformed Our Lives"

Yes. This WAS from 2018. Few days ago.

News?

Well, it would be if the headline read, "Ten Ways the Web and Internet HAVEN'T Transformed Our Lives."

Okay, that'd be a little rough.

Maybe they could come up with THREE ways?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2018:
With Hope for us oft hard to muster,
chief 'mong reasons junkie-like lust fer
new tech--damn its ill effects--
new iPhone sees Hope flex…
Thousand-buck priced, sales lackluster!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2018:
Knew danger, but couldn't foresee
that I, myself'd, ever O.D.!
Thought stuff, I could handle!
More, more! Took that gamble…
Too much hot sauce--even for me!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2018:
It is said that, "If music be the food of love, play on."

So, if food be the music of love… Now we're hungry. And maybe a little bit hungry in a different sort of way, or hor… Ahem.

Oh, Happy Extra Cheezy St. Valentine's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2018:
Japan launched sat'lite rocket! Pipe
dream comes true! Though smallest of stripe,
I say, they deserve award!
But, 'course, not one that's for
breaking of stereotypes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2018:
Apparently, there's a type of crayfish that has mutated to eliminate males and instead reproduce by, more or less, cloning itself.

Oh, this says some frightening things about climate change.

But it also says, while we support cause, even more frightening things about the future of the #MeToo movement…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2018:
Folks in Illinois having cow!
State seat race, one GOP'r… Wow!
Denies Holocaust!? Hate head?
Consid'ring Party Red's
top dog, this is shocking… How?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2018:
Apparently this facial recognition stuff is biased…"against" everybody but white males.

See, it's great at IDing white males, but it has trouble properly identifying females and people of color.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Now, I'm not so-called "angry white dude." Never bitched and moaned about, say, how affirmative action discriminated rarely against one white male for every one million blacks the overall System discriminated against in every other conceivable way.

But… Uh-uh. Ain't even goin' there now.

A better idea is to level the playing field at the outset--ditch this technology.

Feeling sweaty palms, heart palpitations at the very thought?

Seriously, folks. How may times to we have to remind you that just because the freakin' technology is possible, that doesn't mean we HAVE to use it.

Freakin' junkies…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2018:
Hank boarded the subway, crowd riled
by rush hour--to squeeze in, they piled!
Limbs, head, back contorted,
positions turned sordid--
and, somehow, he fathered a child!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2018:
Caught this headline--

"Kansas Officials Say Dog Can't Run for Governor"

Now, we wouldn't have said this a mere fifteen months ago, but… Why in the hell not?

Sure a dog would be every bit as informed and competent as… Oh, we're trying to avoid talking about that one guy that everybody in the news has trouble NOT talking about so, yeah. We've said our piece…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2018:
Trump wants parade, 'yond waving flag,
with full-on, military swag!?
My question's on to-do's style--
route go straight, or zig-heil?…
Er, make that straight or zig-ZAG!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2018:
So Apple's hoighty-toighty new campus has so much glass everywhere, employees are injuring themselves by walking into walls.

Symbolic of their biggest product's effect on seemingly all of society, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2018:
"Fake news"--don't believe Trump don't get it!
Like cult leader, knows how to hit it!
It's "Know you are, what am I?"
Brainwashed chant, live closed-eyed!
"Fake news" is Trump's "The dog did it!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Presidents' Day!...