Daily Limerick
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(c)1999-2018 John "Sloop" Biederman
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missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: February 2018
DAILY LIMERICK 2/1/2018:
Sometimes mull, "Am I stubborn ass?"
Likes, Siri, Alexa--won't gas!
Now read TSA's
voice rec'nition play…
Gut was right--talk to phone? I'll pass!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/1/2018:
Okay, we've made some hay over the GOP's Reverse Robin Hood tax bill, whined about it being yet another boost only to that damned One Percent.

But news came out that more that TWO Percent of workers have received raises and/or bonuses since this bill was unleashed!

Meaning the tax bill is really only screwing 98 Percent of us, rather than 99 Percent.

And that… Oh, pardon us if we hold off on the confetti for a bit…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/2/2018:
With nation, world, governments, press,
to his statement, glued--must confess!
Is Hope close--or rough slog?
Hail to the chief…Groundhog!
His State of the Shadow Address!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/2/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Groundhog Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/3/2018:
A fellow met lady in pub
whose go-go boots gave him a chub!
Made time, with much trying,
and felt he was flying--
when he soon joined the Thigh-High Club!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/3/2018:
With this unprecedented stock market, etc. boom, and the Great Recession still close in memory, we're stoked!

See, today's situation is totally different. See, the Great Recession actually started festering much earlier with massive deregulation of banking, real estate and similar industries, whereas today… Hmmm.

Well, anyway, even right up to the Great Recession, the "experts" and such were… Well, pretty much screechingly optimistic, whereas now… Ahem.

Oh, pay no attention to we crackpots here at Daily Limerick.

We've been playing chicken little for so long. Unleashing whackjob, conspiracy theories about how selfie media was gonna shake-out a harmful thing for society more than a decade ago, for instance?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/4/2018:
The asteroid that was to wipe
us out today--or 'least close swipe?
What happened? See, here's thing--
looked forward to viewing
something tonight more than all hype!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/4/2018:
Rep. Brenda Lawrence (D-Mich.) was caught red-handed playing Candy Crush during the State of the Union Address last week.

Hey, you focus on your mindless drivel, I'll focus on mine…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/5/2018:
Saw Valentine's promo, read, "Get
gift of shingles vaccine"? Now, let
me say, though I'm single, free,
and not most, surely, me,
romantic man on earth, yet…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/5/2018:
So there are all these commercials now for banks, focusing on the fact that they now have apps you can use to pay, say, your friend, at any time, wherever you are.

This as the likes of Apple are ballyhooing silly, just silly, features like Apple Pay, which accomplish the same things as these banking apps.

THIS is an attraction? We here at Daily Limerick like the old way--"Uh, Joe, I know I owe you that $50, but, uh… I have to get to the bank and, er, might not be able to get that until Tuesday… Oh, wait! Don't know if my paycheck will have cleared by then… Better make it Friday?"

This is reminiscent of the poor, bent-over, pre-lubed slobs who paid extra for novelty checks, so that they could provide brief amusement to, say, their landlords and such.

But at least with those, you still had the "Check's in the mail" option…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/6/2018:
Thought I knew pol'tics… Went to heck!
Still floored by that '16 train wreck!
Real'ty's fabric's grown lumps!
Read… Gore defending Trump?
Time for a Gravity Check!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/6/2018:
Sure, we live in a society that's rude, perpetually distracted and largely ignorant of politics and other important forces and… Well, while we consider ourselves Champions of the Common Man… That's sometimes a hard philosophy to swallow.

But every now and then, people step up, when the chips are down (for lack of a non-cliché), and remind us of the Hope that exists in each and every Human soul.

One such occurrence can been found in the current news--

Sales of that thousand-dollar iPhone were completely lackluster, after all!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/7/2018:
Cook dish with hot peppers, find deed'll
through chopping, make mess, and so seeds'll
stick to you, through house, fall down!
Stay heart/mind, all year 'round--
they're chefing's Christmas Tree needles!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/7/2018:
New research is indicating that plant life may in fact have some form of consciousness.

So vegetarians and vegans will soon be forced to eat… What, exactly?

Hmmm. A form of Darwinism that eliminates the annoying?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/8/2018:
So Hil showed at Grammys? Seems wrong! Bear
in mind she's, 'course, not known for song! Dare
I say "none's" fine reason!
Hil sing? Can't be pleasin'!
Much better than if she'd BELONGED there!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/8/2018:
Now, our Fuehrer prides himself on being opposed to "political correctness." (We put that in quotes because the very definition of the term has mutated over the years. In our Fuehrer's case, it translates as "racist as all hell." But let's set that ball of wax aside for now.)

Political correctness was, originally, all about quibbling over using the exact, right words and phrases.

Yet Fuehrer Trump has tried to forbid the use of certain words in official government documents. Which would seem to meet the very definition of… Hmm.

Okay, this wouldn't be "political correctness," given the motives. Then again, it wouldn't be "political incorrectness," because that implies, say, comedians telling shock-value gags and such.

We think you see our point. Just having trouble giving it a proper name. "Political wrongness?" Now, that doesn't work… Hmm.

Maybe we should just ban the use of the term "political correctness," because… Oh, boy.

Our Fuehrer's Newspeak is apparently contagious…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/9/2018:
Address, State of Union, head swiveled,
to phone's Candy Crush?! Seem uncivil?
Congresswoman speech eschewed,
exercising right--to
each his/her own mindless drivel!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/9/2018:
Japan has launched the smallest rocket to ever carry a satellite into orbit.

And they sure as hell ain't gonna win any awards for stereotype-breaking…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/10/2018:
All-woman safari had hunch
cannibals were 'round! So, 'fore bunch
came by, to flirt bait 'em,
prettied-up! Tribe ate 'em--
but first, they found time to "do lunch"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/10/2018:
An election for an Illinois congressional district, as we pen this, currently has only one Republican candidate, no challenger, who is a… Holocaust denier.

Considering the GOP's fuehrer…er, leader, this is shocking to people…why, exactly?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/11/2018:
Banks op'ning all 'round, e'en next door--
regs yanked! Bubbles, too--Bitcoin, more…
Though no doom say'r--not my style--
stocks soar, then volatile…
Hmm. Where've we see THIS before…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/11/2018:
So T-Rump wants to have a military parade?

Seems an, er, normal thing for a leader of a democratic, free, modern nation to do.

Do you think it'll follow a straight path or sorta, you know, zig-heil…make that, zigZAG a bit?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/12/2018:
Bank apps, Apple Pay--ads these hail!
Pay those owed in flash! Me? I'll trail
behind times on this action!
Don't quite see attraction--
fact, miss ol' "check's in the mail"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/12/2018:
So we stumble across this headline in our news feed, compliments of CNBC--

"Ten Ways the Web and Internet Have Transformed Our Lives"

Yes. This WAS from 2018. Few days ago.

News?

Well, it would be if the headline read, "Ten Ways the Web and Internet HAVEN'T Transformed Our Lives."

Okay, that'd be a little rough.

Maybe they could come up with THREE ways?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/13/2018:
With Hope for us oft hard to muster,
chief 'mong reasons junkie-like lust fer
new tech--damn its ill effects--
new iPhone sees Hope flex…
Thousand-buck priced, sales lackluster!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/13/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Paczki Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/14/2018:
Knew danger, but couldn't foresee
that I, myself'd, ever O.D.!
Thought stuff, I could handle!
More, more! Took that gamble…
Too much hot sauce--even for me!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/14/2018:
It is said that, "If music be the food of love, play on."

So, if food be the music of love… Now we're hungry. And maybe a little bit hungry in a different sort of way, or hor… Ahem.

Oh, Happy Extra Cheezy St. Valentine's Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/15/2018:
Japan launched sat'lite rocket! Pipe
dream comes true! Though smallest of stripe,
I say, they deserve award!
But, 'course, not one that's for
breaking of stereotypes!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/15/2018:
Apparently, there's a type of crayfish that has mutated to eliminate males and instead reproduce by, more or less, cloning itself.

Oh, this says some frightening things about climate change.

But it also says, while we support cause, even more frightening things about the future of the #MeToo movement…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/16/2018:
Folks in Illinois having cow!
State seat race, one GOP'r… Wow!
Denies Holocaust!? Hate head?
Consid'ring Party Red's
top dog, this is shocking… How?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/16/2018:
Apparently this facial recognition stuff is biased…"against" everybody but white males.

See, it's great at IDing white males, but it has trouble properly identifying females and people of color.

Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Now, I'm not so-called "angry white dude." Never bitched and moaned about, say, how affirmative action discriminated rarely against one white male for every one million blacks the overall System discriminated against in every other conceivable way.

But… Uh-uh. Ain't even goin' there now.

A better idea is to level the playing field at the outset--ditch this technology.

Feeling sweaty palms, heart palpitations at the very thought?

Seriously, folks. How may times to we have to remind you that just because the freakin' technology is possible, that doesn't mean we HAVE to use it.

Freakin' junkies…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/17/2018:
Hank boarded the subway, crowd riled
by rush hour--to squeeze in, they piled!
Limbs, head, back contorted,
positions turned sordid--
and, somehow, he fathered a child!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/17/2018:
Caught this headline--

"Kansas Officials Say Dog Can't Run for Governor"

Now, we wouldn't have said this a mere fifteen months ago, but… Why in the hell not?

Sure a dog would be every bit as informed and competent as… Oh, we're trying to avoid talking about that one guy that everybody in the news has trouble NOT talking about so, yeah. We've said our piece…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/18/2018:
Trump wants parade, 'yond waving flag,
with full-on, military swag!?
My question's on to-do's style--
route go straight, or zig-heil?…
Er, make that straight or zig-ZAG!?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/18/2018:
So Apple's hoighty-toighty new campus has so much glass everywhere, employees are injuring themselves by walking into walls.

Symbolic of their biggest product's effect on seemingly all of society, no?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/19/2018:
"Fake news"--don't believe Trump don't get it!
Like cult leader, knows how to hit it!
It's "Know you are, what am I?"
Brainwashed chant, live closed-eyed!
"Fake news" is Trump's "The dog did it!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/19/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Presidents' Day!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 2/20/2018:
With climate change, some crayfish do
a female clone thing to eek through!
'Round need for males, swerve thus!
Which makes me bit nervous
about the future of #MeToo…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/20/2018:
Amid the tragi-comic spectacle that American politics has become, the issue of assisted suicide has fallen off our collective radar. You know, the right to put those hopelessly suffering out of misery, let 'em die with dignity?

Well, until now.

What with ABC bringing back "American Idol"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/21/2018:
New tech, science always employing…
Plants conscious? New theory, with toying!
Would veg'tar'yans starve?
New Darwin twist carved?
Thinning the herd of…most annoying?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/21/2018:
A little bit suspicious of my health plan-approved dentist.

Need to make an appointment to repair a tooth chip, one she fixed mere months ago, which came off recently while eating popcorn.

Yeah, it was popcorn. But I hadn't chomped down on a kernel or anything but it just popped off and out.

The same tooth chip fix actually popped out previous to that incident, within the past year, while eating fish and chips at an authentic British pub.

Which at least makes sense. Not sure if that's where the name "chips" comes from but.. British food, damaging teeth?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/22/2018:
In gov'nor race, Kansas court shot
down candidacy of…dog? Got
"Real'ty" twit president,
joke of a government…
Gov'nor dog? Why the hell not?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/22/2018:
National Geographic news feed headline--

"Jupiter's Great Red Spot May Soon Disappear…Or It May Not"

Now, we're well aware of fake news, but now we're seeing this… Flake news?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/23/2018:
Design, Apple's new HQ "iZone,"
is making its worker gals, guys prone
to walk into glass--all 'round!
Fitting! Karma unwound--
much like those hooked on their iPhones!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/23/2018:
So a certain attention-starved, braggart "reality" TV star has called Oprah Winfrey "insecure."

Some old saying comes to mind about… Well something about cookware?... A pot?... Maybe a kettle?... Maybe both?... And I think blackness is involved, somewhere?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/24/2018:
When Fred offered mustache ride, Dee thought
she'd go for it--sounded like'd be hot!
But Fred worked full handlebar!
Mood set, jazz, candles… Far
up went--'stash itself hit G-Spot!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/24/2018:
Robotics pioneers "Red" Whittaker wants to put a robot on the moon.

Hmm… Thinking about future job prospects… That annoying "first robot citizen"… The frightening, societally ignored implications proposed by classic science fiction writers… I think he has something here!

Let's put all these robots, and AI experiments, on the moon!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 2/25/2018:
Some hopeless shells, in pain unbridled,
seek dignified deaths suicidal,
yet still lack full right
to guide their own plight…
I say, go 'head--"'Merican Idol"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/25/2018:
John Kasich has announced that he's mulling another possible bid for President in 2020.

Refreshing.

Gotta be careful with news these days. Gets you all worked-up, bent outta shape.

But here's a story that does the opposite.

In fact, threatens to put one to snoozing…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/26/2018:
With possible Pres. run inferred,
"genius" calls Oprah "insecure"?
There's saying…ain't there?
Something 'bout cookware?
Black?... Kettle?... Pot?... Something--unsure…

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/26/2018:
A woman was fatally stabbed at a suburban Boston library this past Saturday.

Well, the obvious solution to preventing this in the future is… Arm all librarians with hunting knives, of course!...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 2/26/2018:
Now, we don't receive a lot of letters here at Daily Limerick. So we were excited when this one came in--


"Dear Editor,

"My name is Jillian and I'm a writer at Sports Fitness Advisor. I was doing research on marathon training and just finished reading your wonderful blog post: http://www.dailylimerick.net/vault/13vault/13octarchive.htm

"In that article, I noticed that you cited a solid post that I've read in the past: https://www.chicagomarathon.com/ …"


Okay. Now this one goes on and on but… Well, our point was that marathons are stupid, not to mention boring, and this one's sponsor, Bank of Al-Qaida…er, Bank of America, is a form of recession-causing, domestic terrorist organization.

So we're a bit suspicious of her claim that she "just finished reading [our] wonderful blog."

So, alright, Jillian. I "just finished" all the prep work to, as you request, publish the link to your upcoming, irrelevant-to-us story on our "blog"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/27/2018:
"Red" Whittaker, robot tech's boon,
says we should send them somewhere--soon!
They'll take jobs from you and me
and worse…so must agree!
But send 'em ALL to the moon!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/27/2018:
Our "news" feed informs us that the ol' relationship saw, "opposites attract," may not be such great advice. And this is but one instance of this sorta story. They're quite common now.

Okay, psychology and such are sciences and the latest theories are indeed newsworthy.

But, in addition to just growing crappier--do they still teach the inverted pyramid style of news writing?--this is the news roundup that completely and utterly failed to predict the 2016 Presidential Election's outcome, or even indulge it as a possibility, and is already, yes ALREADY hard at work blowing predictions for 2018's Mid-Terms and 2020's.

So, yeah, we'll pass on the relationship advice, "news" feed…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 2/28/2018:
All-You-Can-Eat fish hit my lips,
at Brit pub, at light'ning quick clip!
So recklessly bit fish
a tooth chipped… How British!
Is that why it's called "Fish and CHIPS"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 2/28/2018:
…And still ANOTHER reason why these lazy- and/or rich-coddling services like "HelloFresh" are, well… Butt-stupid, to use a technical term--

I LIKE going to the grocery store!

Okay, it does still fall under the heading of "errand" or "chore," especially amid Life's busy patches--but it's nice to anticipate upcoming meals, exciting to maybe grab a few items that aren't on your list and, for Elvis' sake, you're surrounded by FOOD, glorious food!

The users of these services are akin to those lost souls who pay people to decorate their homes for Christmas!

This is beyond not stopping to smell the flowers--it's briefly stopping to stomp the flowers into the ground!...