Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2018 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: July 2018
SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/1/2018:
So… Microsoft healthcare? I'd bash
but--real thing!--mess calls for steps rash!
Put your life in Windows' hands?
Hard to out-shit MY plan--
healthcare scene's ALREADY crashed!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/1/2018:
Ahh, those carefree days when we were annoyed by tourists taking pictures of every Goddamned thing, everywhere!

See, not EVERYONE was a tourist. And not EVERY PLACE and EVERY OCCURENCE was deemed "worthy" for taking pics.

Selfie pollution, folks.

Guess that now EVERYONE'S a freakin' tourist…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/2/2018:
Cell just for dudes--minds in a fell zone,
misogynists, love urge can't quell, 'lone--
purely for harassing,
dick pics, drunk dials, assing…
Could call such device an "incel phone"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/2/2018:
California professor Dr. Doran George has died from dangerous sexual antics, specifically something called…a mummification bondage ritual?

Okay. We get how vampires became sexy. And even kinda get how the likes of the "Twilight" franchise has made werewolves sexy… Hell, we've mentioned strip clubs around Halloween making even zombies sexy but… Mummies?

But if somebody even so much as TRIES it with Frankenstein monsters--really, where else can they go with it from here?--we're getting' outta here… Well, metaphorically… Or somethin'…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/3/2018:
Years back, on one big group's To-Do'r List;
these days, Big Tech's brought on a new'r twist--
pics ev'ryone, ev'rything,
ev'rywhere! Cell Age brings
world where ev'ryone's a tourist!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/3/2018:
So one source of the continual White House hubbub now concerns Fuehrer Trump's apparently being fooled by a prank call, we see.

We'll come clean and admit we don't know many details. Didn't read into it; a little numb to all the hi-jinx.

Wondering how long he looked around to see if he had Prince Albert in a can, though…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/4/2018:
Generics, store brands--can't beat prices!
Most same as name, but some roll dice with!
Walmart froze burritos tried…
Mexican countryside
have zone where they use no spices?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/4/2018:
It's unfortunately come to this--

"If one eats a meal and it isn't Instagrammed… Did only REALLY have a meal?"

That's at least how…Well, apparently, everybody on earth, outside of the Daily Limerick…er, Towers sees things.

Yeah, we said we'd never do Twitter… Chief Limericist said he'd never try online dating… But gotta draw the line somewhere--no, we've said THAT before. Gotta build a wall somewhere… No freakin' way are we ever, ever, ever getting on freakin' Instagram…

And Happy Extra Cheezy Independence Day, too!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/5/2018:
A Cali professor died--gone!--lured
by "mummified bondage"? Seem bonkers?
For ages, vamps deemed sexy;
"Twilight" werewolves next, see…
Stop 'fore it's Frankenstein's Monster!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/5/2018:
Did ya' hear about the guy whose shoe-based, upskirt camera exploded?

Er, don't have a punch line for that.

This REALLY happened.

That's what it's come to, folks. A world full of jokes, with not enough punch lines…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/6/2018:
Saw Trump was…prank called? Pres.? Some man,
landline age gag, somehow, with ran?
Skipped details--rushed life beck'ning--
picture "genius" checking
if he's Prince Albert in can!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/6/2018:
Walked by a mattress store Wednesday that was…closed?

Aren't mattress sales the whole freakin' reason for the holiday now?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/7/2018:
Nymph Jasmine, rare girl who LIKED dick pics,
always seeking news guys and quick kicks,
to quench her man itches,
made bunch of sandwiches
and took baseball team on a "prick-nic"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/7/2018:
Any amusement park planner/engineer types reading? 'Cause we've gotta great idea for a roller coaster!

It goes WAAY up…then WAAY down…scary as all hell… Now, admittedly, over its course, it ends up dipping so far down you're gonna have to build a tunnel or crater to accommodate but, if nothing else, it's one wild and frightening ride!

Let's just hope it gets to that final big dip well before November, 2020.

Yeah. A bit of a lengthy one, this…Fuehrer Trump Stock Market Roller Coaster!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/8/2018:
'D'ya' hear 'bout the perv who went snappin'
upskirt pics…but cam'ra went crappin'
out--exploded on the bloke!
Punchline? It ain't no joke--
this incident really happened!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/8/2018:
So an upcoming "Star Trek" movie will be directed by…Quentin Tarantino?

Guessin' there'll be a whole lotta red shirts in this one…

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/9/2018:
Walked by mattress store, closed, upon… Yep.
July 4th? Their marketing Dons slept
through lead-in, hol'day?
To use a cliché,
must dub this "unclear on the concept"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/9/2018:
Box CEO Aaron Levie sees distrust of Digital Robber Barons such as Google and Flakebook as spreading like a "contagion."

New one to us.

A disease with POSITIVE effects?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/10/2018:
'Musement park seeking to play boaster?
Here's wild-ass ride--thrills in the most ther'!
Ups, downs--downs most rash--
and, in end, huge CRASH!
The Stock Market Trump Roller Coaster!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/10/2018:
Still in a bit of a News Limbo regarding how to get our news in this day and age, having given up on traditional, printed, daily newspapers a few years ago (price going up, content and quality going down) and recently turning to our iOS news feed--but regarding that as perhaps a temporary solve.

And we've been noting references lately to WhatsApp. A little leery of it, especially since it's described as "interactive"--ala Flakebook's now-former news feed, perhaps culled to individual, "preaching to the choir" tastes rather than conventional objectivity and thus highly susceptible to fake news?

Also, wondering if, and how, any real news sources pilfered…er "aggregated" are compensated. See, we're still muddy on this. For a long time, figured we subscribed to the daily newspaper party to support the industry, before realizing that, hey, it was no longer supporting, um "us" at Daily Limerick (for instance, the Chief Limericks was a long-time career journalist) and that… Well, expecting individual efforts on this level to save the industry is as pie-in-the-sky as expecting individuals' recycling efforts to solve climate change.

Allegedly, iOS' news feed somehow shakes out into money for its culled news sources. Some, anyway. But we haven't even looked into that, much less what kind of similar arrangement WhatsApp might have because… Well, I guess we've been looking for some sign that WhatsApp is legit.

Now we read that WhatsApp now has its own battles with fake news.

Which… Well, in this day and age, makes it legit.

Well, makes it "legit."

So… Not good enough. As we're seeking friends, not "friends," perhaps to share, not "share" with, and things we like, not "like"… Well, we want legit, not "legit"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/11/2018:
What is the sound of one hand clappin'?
Tree falls, no ear, sound? Answers, grapplin'!
Annoyingly, life real
brings new one--you have meal,
non-Instagrammed, did the meal happen?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/11/2018:
Had been dying to try Epic Burger for years now. Seen 'em around, but not along my general life paths.

Recently, however, events conspired in my craving's favor. Noted Epic Burger franchises along my routes, was presented with a two-hour break between night gigs where I had to grab a meal anyways… Did a Web search for an advance glance at the menu to find… They don't take cash.

Even worse, they make some smug, big deal out of it. Bastards.

Cash--U.S. government backed, off-grid, convenient for guys like myself who generate a lot of tip income.

See, the government only sees fit to require establishments to accept credit cards.

Thus, the customer is not always right at Epic Burger--they know what's best for the customer and, apparently, the world.

Suddenly, my craving for Epic Burger has vanished…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/12/2018:
Daily Limerick's Birthday is here!
Nineteen--enters Twentieth Year!
Can, if called, die in war,
but still need see two more
to have a damned smoke or a beer!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/12/2018:
We didn't make a big hoopla leading up to this, but today's a Big Day.

See, we didn't make said hoopla because today kicks off a countdown to Humongoid Hoopla.

Today is, in fact, Daily Limerick's Birthday. Hits 19-years-old today.

Meaning we're now in our Twentieth Year of…er, um…Service!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/13/2018:
Next "Star Trek" franchise flick? News-fed dirt--
Quentin Tarantino led? Head hurts
imagining it on-screen!
One thing's for sure--its scenes
sure will have whole lotta red shirts!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/13/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

Happy Extra Cheezy Friday the 13th!...

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DAILY LIMERICK 7/14/2018:
A nudist group held a street fair--
food booths, music, all open-air!
A chick found, quite sauced,
pickle-on-stick lost…
To this day, no one's quite sure where!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/14/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

So apparently now there are devices whereby parents can somehow… Text their Goddamned toddlers?

Only direction this can go now, in the Digital Robber Barons' quest to put everyone on grid, at all times, for their entire lives--and thus shill-ready--is to get 'em online in the womb.

Don't think there are not slimy panels of consultants and such pondering how to do just that, as we type this…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/15/2018:
Dig'tal Robber Baron boss gaugin'?
Distrust, Google, Facebook's "contagion"?
New one--a pos'tive disease?
Pandemic's the Bee's Knees!
Let it turn full-on plague ragin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/15/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

NPR Headline--"The Quest for a Gender-Neutral Siri"

Stop the world!

Er, not because, as the saying goes, "we wanna get off"--although we would, if there were somewhere else to go… No, stop the world…because we're gonna be sick…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/16/2018:
Facebook "news"? With, ne'er did well sit!
Fake, pilfered... iOS feed fit--
'least paid sources crumbs fer!
'Bout WhatsApp, long wondered…
Saw fights fake news? These days…"legit"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/16/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

So activists in Britain greeted Fuehrer Trump with a "Baby Trump" balloon floating above city streets?

So… A giant baby, spitting image of Trump, full of hot air… How do they tell the difference between the two?

Oh, we got it--one flies and the other one only THINKS he can fly!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/17/2018:
Fear one moment, offline threat looms?
Can text baby, 'cross world or room!
Joke now…but ain't jerkin'--
damned sure Big Tech's workin'
to get us on-grid from the womb!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/17/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

Even the newest Slapper Yapper Grasshopper know that we here at Daily Limerick support gay rights, marriage, trans rights, yadda yadda blah blah.

But we'll admit that we still have trouble with such displays of affection. Oh, we're fine with them happening--our problem, getting use to them--but… Huh? No, we're fine with men or women holding hands and even kissing in public, at this point.

But we'll admit that it was still a little much for us at this point to actually watch footage of that Trump-Putin meeting…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/18/2018:
See chain op'nings all round my burg! Stirred
Epic Burger crave to try! Splurge 'curred
with 'tween-gig meal break--thought'd try…
Grid pushers--"no cash"?! I
never WILL try Epic Burger!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/18/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

Of course, I've been witnessing all these sugared inventions coming out AFTER the sands of time and heredity teamed to force me into watching my sugar intake.

Hershey's Gold, peanut butter cups with candies inside… But this is too much.

Peanut butter and Cocoa Pebbles.

Unrequited love isn't just about romance, you know…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/19/2018:
Not 'cause I want off--'d'be some trick!
But Siri's Quest's, read in news tick,
"gender neutral"--not boy, girl?
Gotta scream, "Stop the world--
because I'm gonna be sick!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/19/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

So it appears now health insurers are mining the crap outta everyone's data.

For the purpose of… Sinister things, of course.

Who the hell do health insurers think they are…Facebook?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/20/2018:
In England, Trump protests 'cross land
brought out balloon version of man!
How to tell 'part--same look, hair
and both full of hot air?
One flies--one just THINKS he can!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/20/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

Now, Papa John Schnatter, having resigned after the uproar following Papa John's decision to compete with Little Caesar's by introducing their "Extra Most Racist Pizza"… Says it was a mistake for him to resign?

See, outright racism only USED to cause big career trouble.

These days? Hell, it doesn't even prevent one from becoming freakin' president!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 7/21/2018:
Girl slept soundly tanning! Waves slammed! Lake
roiled! Kids screamed--but naught could shake Pam 'wake!
Crashed such way, legs parted
left her crotch unguarded…
Could say that Pam threw quite a clambake!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/21/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

So… Printable guns now?

Knowing the trials and tribulations of working with printers… How long do you think it'll be before one jams and shoots a kid…or a man's testicles off…or any of these now-regular non-printed gun mishaps occurs?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 7/22/2018:
Acceptance, full, gays, with time comes it--
take PDAs, once turned head from it!
But keep most behind closed doors!
There's a fine line--of course,
couldn't watch Trump-Putin summit!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 7/22/2018:
Daily Limerick has entered its Twentieth Year of..er, um Service! (We turn 20 on July 12, 2019!)…

So Facebook, Google, Microsoft and Twitter are teaming up for a project to accumulate and share data.

Hmmm.

Just go about your Digital Robber Baron trusting ways, folks. Nothing to see here.

Actually, there's pretty much next to nothing that WON'T be "seen" here…