Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2018 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: March 2018
DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2018:
News feed can be hard to endure
these days! But read Kasich feels lured
to possible Pres'dent run?
Though mod news ain't much fun
this type's insomnia cure!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2018:
So, the new line of thinking on fixing healthcare is… Not a single-payer system… Not even a tweaked version of ObamaCare but… Taking it out of the hands of evil Big Insurance and putting it in the hands of the likes of Amazon and, now, Apple?

So… Fight Robber Barons… With Robber Barons?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2018:
Boston 'burb's library archives,
chick's nut spree killed one, threatened lives…
With hunting knife? Dark, quaint twist!
Twit-in-Chief, to stop this--
"Arm librarians with knives"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2018:
A bunch of Hollywooders are behind an anti-NRA boycott whose targets include, for carrying some NRA channel/station, Amazon and Apple.

Maybe they should target something that people would actually be willing to give up for more than two minutes.

They'd have better luck getting people to boycott, oh, say… Water?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2018:
A nymph sandwich maker named Shelly
found one handsome customer swell--Lee!
Made him special treat…
When she pulled out meat
hand made Lee's nut butter and belly!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2018:
So, the stock market will rise in value by about 8 percent this year, according to… A Reuters poll?

Sure. Make your investment decisions based on those things that so swimmingly predict things like, say, presidential elections?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2018:
While news feed's convenience is nice,
without grain of salt, you pay price!
"Dem Seat Loss…" "No, Gain, on Track!"
So, "Opp'sites Don't Attract"?
I'll pass, feed, on love advice!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2018:
The secret is out--

Apple's iCloud relies on Google for storage.

But, hey. No need to worry about a near-monopolistic Digital Robber Baron at the mercy of another near-monopolistic Digital Robber Baron.

Monopolies upon monopolies now…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2018:
Now Amazon's eyeing healthcare? 'N'
spurred Apple, too--new field's for snarin'?
Need shake-up, but don't seem right!
Can't get much worse--but fight
Robber Bar'ns with…Robber Barons?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2018:
For complicated inter-language reasons we won't go into here, China banned, for at least a day, the use of the letter "N."

Who the hell does communist, totalitarian China think it is--the "Democratic," "free nation" Trump Administration?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2018:
Some Hollywood types say folks oughter
boycott, in wake of last gun slaughter,
where NRA's channel's on--
Apple and Amazon?
Folks sooner'd go without water!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2018:
Wired headline--

"If You Want a Robot to Stop Screwing Up, Hold Its Hand"

Just more evidence to support our decision to remain dinosaurs on this issue.

First, it's just talking to your Alexa or Siri, then…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2018:
The rich, lazy, stupid nix chore--
ready-to-cook meal kits to door?
What's more, 'least for this dude,
browse options, all 'round--FOOD!...
I LIKE hitting the groc'ry store!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2018:
I recently discovered the wonder of sugar-free cookies!

As Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should well know, been giving a nod to eating healthier the last year or so. Okay, a bit more than a nod, if short of a nodding flurry. Growing older, genetic monkey wrenches, etc., avoiding sugar, seeking fewer carbs, indulging whole grains, more proteins, yadda yadda, blah blah.

Happened upon the Voortman brand at one of my regular grocers, with quite an array of cookie flavors. Grabbed just the vanilla cream wafer ones, expecting, like sugar-free chocolate, it would be good, but somehow less delightful than the sugared versions.

Yet… A little dry, but tasted otherwise like regular cookies! Nonetheless, I snacked sparingly, recalling… Well, a certain warning from my mother. (Who, like both her parents, developed late-onset, Type II Diabetes.)

On the next trip to a different regular grocer in my itinerary, also noticed a Voortman array, but this time including chocolate chip cookies! My fave! That night, I went nuts on a 'em.

My mother's warning proved spot-on. Let's just say… Well, even before the age thing, I've always had a bumble bee-sized bladder, but while I'm used to getting up in the night to go Number One… Ahem.

My assessment? Sugar-free cookies can be our friend…and can be our enemy. Often in the same night...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2018:
Stock rise, 8 percent, will be seen,
or so does a…Reuters POLL glean?
These things, really, still use?
And have nerve to call "news"?
Oh, they worked so well for 'Sixteen!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2018:
With our Fuehrer's banning of certain words and such from government documents, discourse, etc., obvious comparisons have been made to old, dystopian science fiction, specifically George Orwell's "1984."

But don't go thinkin' for a moment that the "left" doesn't do this stuff as well.

Isn't political correctness really another form of Newspeak? Now remaking old classics to feature more diverse characters and such?

I recall the U.S. Post Office issuing a line of stamps to honor Jackson Pollock. One or more featured an iconic image of the painter at work…but the signature cigarette dangling from his mouth had been Photoshopped out.

It may bring little comfort but, gotta say, cruising toward dystopia IS a bipartisan issue all sides are working toward…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2018:
With need for Cloud storage space glarin',
now Apple, with...Google is sharin'?
Monop'lies, too big to fail,
turn, when they need a bail-
out to… 'nother Robber Baron?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2018:
An airline passenger reportedly freaked-out, tried to open an outer door and screamed, "I am God!"

We weren't aware that Fuehrer Trump HAD a sister!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2018:
A cowboy gunslinger named Spooner
had such a hank'rin' for young poon'er,
that, 'fore draw, tore off piece--
and one from his foe's niece!
So Spooner indulged a High Nooner!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2018:
And we thought the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings sleazed-up the written history of American politics!

Let's just say that we'll be hearing about a whole lot more things, er, sullied that a blue dress!...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2018:
Chinese totalitar'yan pow'rs
banned letter "N" from 'Net! Real wow'r
to us, far from Commie Beast!
Can't 'magine Word Police
in a "free" country like ours!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2018:
Godforsaken… Mother-@*&$in'... *@!$#@*#!!#& Daylight *&@#*@ Savings *#Q$*! Time…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2018:
To-do o'er Newspeak we now see--
"fake news," banned likes "diversity"…
Though Left outward fights,
ain't just Trumpy right--
the Left's Newspeak's thing called "P.C."!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2018:
Not big fans of Florida here at Daily Limerick--its legislature, steam-bath climate nor anything else we can think of--but gotta give credit where credit's due.

In the wake of that massive school shooting and regular sleaze incidents, the state's government decided…to just stay, from here on out, with Daylight Savings Time.

Now, we'd prefer to just nix DST altogether, but can't quibble here with LEAVING THE FUCKING CLOCK ALONE rather than SCREWING EVERYBODY TO HELL TWICE A YEAR.

And add "Legislators nationwide, worldwide--be like Florida" to the long list of things we never thought we'd say…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2018:
On plane, woman freaked out! Know gist! Stirred
fear! Pulled door, yelled, "I am God!" This sure
informed me 'bout new fact, though!
'Fore this, I didn't know
that Fuehrer Trump HAS a sister!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2018:
Alexa is not laughing WITH you.

Trust us.

Alexa is laughing AT you…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2018:
Genes brought me a watch-sugar plight!
Found cookies, though, taste brought delight,
'spite sugar-free! Brought to mind
old song with 'comp'ning bind--
"Help me make it through the night…"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2018:
There's a certain herb, sometimes used in cooking, sometimes used as a post-cooking topping condiment, that elicits extreme responses from most people. Or seemingly so.

It grows in warmer climates, and is thus a staple of ethnic cuisines in such climates. I love the stuff, in fact often buying more than is necessary, to use, usually raw, as a topping condiment myself--and one of those that I almost find impossible to use too much of.

Nonetheless, its naysayers can't help but chime in for some reason. "I just LOVE Mexican food--but I HATE [it]!" "Always have to make sure and tell them, REMIND them, often multiple times, when I order, 'NO DAMNED [IT]!"

These folks piss me off! Hey, we can all agree to disagree, but why such hostility toward an herb? As a form of psychological retribution, when I hear these folks go off in such a way, it actually gives me a taste for the stuff--sometimes even results in my buying some and/or resolving to make sure my next big, bachelor cooking project utilizes it!

It's just a fact of life that you have to deal with people like this these days. And the best way to do so is to ignore…the cilantrolls...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2018:
When Monica's dress was, er, wet;
"Long Dong Silver" hit record'd, bet
pol'tics hit a new low!
Well, prepare to limbo!
With Trump's sleaze, ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2018:
We hate saying this but… Okay, we really don't.

We told you so. And we warned you.

With T-Rump in office, everybody's so focused on the top that lower levels of government are allowed to run rampant in their sinister politician deeds--especially Democrats and those, like Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel, who are DINOs. (Democrats in Name Only.)

Congressional Democrats backing legislation to remove banking regulations, most enacted to stave off any future Great Recessions, and even some enacted much earlier to stave off the likes of earlier recessions, or the likes of that Great Depression thing?

With Democrats like these, who needs the Trumplodytes?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2018:
Alexa now has "feature" that's new--
gives creepy laugh, no reason! Catch you
off-guard? Low-price lust breeds
Robber Baron! Trust me--
it's not laughing WITH you, but AT you!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2018:
On the heels of that Tide Pod Challenge craze, now youngsters are endangering their lives with this Choking Game?

Never thought something like this would qualify as a Public Service Announcement but, hey, kids! Buy some pot instead! Hell, maybe even a little cocaine, or something, anything less dangerous…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2018:
The treasure that legend foretold
for Leprechaun Fred, found…then sold!
Used cash from to court
lass--tall Human sort…
Could say exchanged for Twot of Gold!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy St. Patrick's Day!...

Which also happens to mean… Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2018:
Now Congress yanks Big Bankster oversight--
placed to quash recession/depression plight?
The Donkeys screw base! Fuck thee--
what, you'll vote GOP?
Dems like these, who needs the Trumplodytes?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2018:
Did you realize that there is wi-fi on the moon?

Priorities.

No need to worry about getting wi-fi to all the poor on our planet…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2018:
Teens now catch this Choking Game bug?
Still stickin' Tide Pods in their mugs?
Been while--teen trend stranger--but
seek thrills less dangerous!
Like, say, oh…illegal drugs?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2018:
In the wake of yet another instance of Republican special-election carnage leading up to the 2018 Mid-Terms, Trump's solution is… Another round of tax cuts?

Starting to feel as if we U.S. citizens are dogs.

"Sorry we left you home, without food and all, for a week there, Fido… Here, have a treat! Er, have a tax cut!"…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2018:
This raging Tech Age, now ensu'n',
leaves 'hind world's po'--still await boon!
Haves pay lip, tech deserts;
say'll fix in good measure…
And yet there's WiFi on the Moon?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy First Day of Spring 2018! (As of 11:15 CST)…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2018:
Herb hot climate cultures extol--
as meal topping, piles, out I dole--
spurs, from many, bashing!
In fact, outright trashing!
But I just ignore cilantrolls!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2018:
So the news is that Little Caesar's filed for a patent for a pizza-making robot.

You mean… They weren't using robots to make those pizzas ALREADY?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2018:
Disaster! 'Mid, feel like a mutt!
"It worked before, so, tell you what…"
Screw Earth, poor--all but rich, banks;
scandal, prop'ganda's rank!
"…Here boy--have treat…er, tax cut!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2018:
From an NPR news feed headline--

"Are There Risks From Secondhand Marijuana Smoke?"

Hey. It ain't just the Right making strides in the Evolution of Fake News…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2018:
'Mid pot turning legal, 'cross nation,
"secondhand pot smoke" hits equation!
With it such to-do,
Left feels it has to
keep up in fake news generation!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2018:
Vox headline--

"America are Losing Faith in the Government to Solve Their Problems--and are Turning to Corporations Instead"

Er, folks? Just who the hell do you think's RUNNING our government?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2018:
Driving to work, late, Spike turned grump, fer
cut off, hit car when gas he pumped! Sure
looked nice--did befriend her!
Dreamed of bending fender!
So, then and there, he tapped her bumper!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2018:
In the wake of his death, we're reading a lot about the work of Stephen Hawking lately.

Among his pronouncements was the ideal that black holes aren't totally black, as has been assumed.

Somewhere, a fuehrer…er, a president pauses to reconsider an order he'd penned banning immigrants from a certain outer-space "nation"…

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2018:
News story alleged folks turn now
to corp'rations, not gov, for how
to solve Big Probs. Well,
just who in the hell
do they think RUNS our gov'ment now?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2018:
In medical news, a woman who has been unable to open her mouth for 30 years…can now open it again.

Oh, well. (Chief Limericist checking in here.) Briefly looked as if I had the ideal candidate for a girlfriend there…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2018:
Sure, big problem, these days, is fake news!
Worse--industry's dead! Give it wake! News--
"Red Spot, Jupiter May Fade…
or May Not"? Sure, low-grade,
but is this new thing now… Flake news?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2018:
To prepare for possible future school shootings, a Pennsylvania school is arming children with…buckets of stones?

Okay, we'll support the idea. And we'll even go along with sticks, if they throw those in.

But we're cautioning ahead of time that it'll be a waste of time to go attacking with words, throwing around names, ala name-calling, because… Well, YOU know…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2018:
'Mong gifts Stephen Hawking gave's fact
that black holes ain't totally black!
'Magine certain Pres., mid rant,
'gainst type space…"immigrants,"
pause and, pushed ban, there retract!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2018:
So the savvy National Rifle Association has found a new celebrity spokesman--a black rapper who has filmed a pro-NRA video.

This, on the surface, would seem to be a great step toward roping in the younger generation and hipster crowd in general, with all the recent… Well.

However… Well, guys. I know it must be rough, still scrambling to fill the star shoes of the late Charlton Heston, but, seriously, a guy named "Killer Mike"?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2018:
Robots--Little Caesar's did slate 'em
to make pizzas, trial basis! Wait, um…
So you're tellin' me
a new thing this be--
and that's not how they've ALWAYS made 'em?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2018:
Lemme set the scene--

St. Patrick's Day, which means, for me, a day packed full of gangster tour gigs. Had an hour break between two in which to eat. Gigs must factor in traffic, which includes drunken, ambling pedestrians on such a day. Back late from the pre-dinner gig, cutting into my dinner time.

Decided, since I don't eat out a lot, I'd knock-off a fave I hadn't in some time--Chicago style hotdogs, from my fave hotdog emporium… Crowds of drunken revelers… Long line… Keep watching the time… Finally get my food, three complete with copious fries and all the Chicago-style fixin's… End up with a whole five minutes to eat--and that's five minutes taken out of the 15 for which I shoot to be early!

In short? I conducted a hotdog eating contest… Make that, an unintended, one-man hotdog eating contest…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2018:
In med news, woman's ordeal ends--
mouth shut, thirty years! Now on mend!
But in a way, shame!
For decades, that dame
would sure have made one great girlfriend!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2018:
Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has come out to say we should repeal the Second Amendment.

Okay, we get where he's coming from, what with the NRA being the terrorist organization of choice for "patriots" and all but… Repealing amendments is frightening to begin with. Repealing one in the Bill of Rights is Lovecraftianly frightening and… Look who's our, er, (gag)…leader.

Sorry, Johnny. Give the bumbling, moron, wannabe fascist dictator an inch and… Well, he'll take a Constitution…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2018:
Penn. school arms, 'mid shoot-ups appalling,
class with stones, 'case Fate to their halls brings?
Guess sticks are next? Though
I sure hope they know
to draw line at words and name-calling!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2018:
It has come to our attention that a number of folks these days are asking the question, "What good is all this 'science' stuff to us, anyway?"

We'll do our typical thing here and mention that we're nuts, right, for alleging we've entered an Internet Dark Ages?

But we have a fix for this one.

For these questioners, next time you need surgery, skip the hospital and find a medieval shaman to administer leeches and such.

Or take an even more drastic step toward your science-less Utopia--toss out your smartphone…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2018:
Folk song's Jimmy, 'cording to lore doled
'self whiskey! Who cared? Got no scorn, 's'told!
Inhibitions scant, he,
unpunished, upped ante--
'least one sure cared when he cracked cornhole!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2018:
So Kelly Ripa's the latest celebrity "victim" of so-called "body shaming."

Her husband posted a pic in which Ripa was visible, on a beach somewhere, in a bikini, and… Ahem.

The pic was posted by Ripa's husband, with her approval, on the World Wide Freakin' Web.

Now, would you stand on a crowded city street corner, during rush hour, in a bikini, and then moan and whine about any comments you might hear on your body?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...