Daily Limerick
May contain immature content; if you're a minor, go away!
(c)1999-2018 John "Sloop" Biederman
E-mail us here--
missives@dailylimerick.net
Archives: May 2018
DAILY LIMERICK 5/1/2018:
To rope all into its grid tech flow,
kids target of Amazon next! Throws
out gear candy colored!
What the Dark Reich mulls here's
monopoly's spin--soon, Joe Echo?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/1/2018:
Dance around the May Pole, Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers!... Happy Extra Cheezy May Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/2/2018:
Buy frozen--still make tastebuds flutter!
One beef, 'scuse cliché, when first cut 'curs…
On moons, can put man,
but somehow we can't
make chicken Kiev that holds butter!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/2/2018:
So you know, apple pie is actually originally Dutch…


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DAILY LIMERICK 5/3/2018:
Word meanings, time passing disturbs--
some so, 'rig'nal usage needs curb!
Take "gay," for example
and, oddly, next sample--
stop using "trump," lowercased verb!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/3/2018:
You know what'd be a great name for an auto insurance company?

Barely Legal.

Surprised nobody's used it yet.

Then again… Well, it's a great name to us. But we're not looking to start a successful auto insurance business…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/4/2018:
Thing happened, thought I'd never see!
Guess everyday miracles be!
Long line of said dumb things--
fin'ly group took something
Kanye West said seriously!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/4/2018:
So faking a doctor's note now?

Our theory about Fuehrer Trump's level of, er, "maturity's" lookin' more and more solid all the time.

Whaddaya think's next? Bringing a apple to Rob Mueller?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/5/2018:
Cinco de Mayo! Las mujers, los
hombres van fiestas! Beber dos
tiempos bebidas!
Ay! Las senoritas
bonitas!… Mis huevos--rancheros!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/5/2018:
Feliz Cinco de Mayo con Mucho Queso!...

And, of course, Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/6/2018:
Remakes, though of legit discord…
Write new ones, for change, I implore!
Diff race, sex… I'm beggin',
'fore one has man pregin'!
This revision's gone "Overboard"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/6/2018:
It has just come to public light that the National Football League's Washington Redskins' cheerleaders were forced into taking topless photos and… Wow.

So, football, to begin with… Well, the concussion thing, etc., et. al. Then there's the team's freakin' name and then… Again. Wow.

Are they vying for some sort of Out of Touch Insensitivity Awards of which we're unaware?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/7/2018:
Use characters, goofy to regal;
or animals, lizard to eagle…
Min's what many've bought, so
why no biz for auto
insurance that's named, "Barely Legal"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/7/2018:
So there's Stormy Daniels. Now, we don't get the porn star thing in real life, but, hot and all.

And Melanoma, or whatever, certainly a looker.

Going back, there's Marla Maples and, really, all sorts of attractive women so, yeah, we don't see what the fuss is about. The guy's certainly earned a Nobel Piece Prize.

Huh?

Oh. It's "Peace."

Okay. Take it back. We DO get the fuss…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/8/2018:
Fake doctor's note, latest kid crap pulled?
Fits method, with critics, guy grapples--
gloats still on '16; web, lies?
"Know you're fake, what am I?"
What's next? Bring Mueller an apple?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/8/2018:
So Joe Piscopo, a former "Saturday Night Live" cast member (an easy to forget one, we know), has seen fit to announce his dissatisfaction with an "SNL" bit involving Stormy Daniels and… Knuckleheadism? Let us count the ways! (Well, some of 'em. There're just too many to attempt hitting 'em all.)

He bitches about "What [he'll] tell his daughter."

Er… Airing at 10:30 p.m. CST, well outside prime time, moron. Not to mention that… Well, are you shielding your daughter from the news? Because with this, er, "president" (never gonna be comfortable with that title for the guy)… Ahem.

Okay, the main knuckleheadism here is Piscopo's pissed-offedness over the fact that Lorne Michaels invited Stormy Daniels on the show...but not HIM.

See, Joe, there's a thing called "newsworthiness" and… Nice try, Joe...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/9/2018:
Like baseball, Amer'cans make much
ado over apple pie--such
slice Americana!
Why not, if they wanna,
since apple pie's origin's…Dutch?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/9/2018:
Regulations set during the Obama Era requiring restaurants to post calorie, etc., information on meals are taking effect despite… Well, YOU know.

So we can all look forward to seeing a leaner, healthier America because, as everyone knows, when things are labeled as "bad" for you, Americans take action!

Why, just look at how well those cigarette labels have been working for, what, has it been five decades now?... Er… Um… Okay, note how those copious Big Pharma drug warnings in commercials have stopped people from…uh, and put the kibosh on those multi-zillion-dollar drug ad campaigns and…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/10/2018:
Now Redskins' cheerleaders pushed t'ward
pics topless? League's ratings near floor!
Of brain damage, sport reeks!
Team name's slur! Now, what, seek
insensitivity award?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/10/2018:
Chief Limericist checking in, here.

Now, I try to keep personal stuff out of Daily Limerick/Slappin' and Yappin'.

All along, did that to differentiate this from the stereotypical blogs that emerged around the same time as DL, a task made easier with the advent of selfie media which, as Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should know, I hate with a passion and only participate in because we're led to believe we "have" to in this day and age (although I suspect that's a form of "bubble") and because, as a writer, we doubly "have" to, what with matters of "platform" (speaking of "bubbles") and… Yeah.

So I believe I haven't even mentioned in this space a little court case in which I'm involved.

Long story as short as possible--

A ceiling leak damaged my ceiling. Neighbor refused to pay, despite condo regulations spelling that out as her responsibility. She filed a claim with her insurance company, they refused to pay, I took it to small claims court… Insurance company requested a full trial and a freakin' jury.

So that went to arbitration, as the courts require to cut down on a clogged system, arbitration found in my favor but… Well, still awaiting the next court date--to learn whether both sides accept arbitration or it goes into a full case but, while there was a measly offer to settle from the insurance company… Looking like I'm gonna have to play World Famous Attorney (ala Snoopy), as I've been joking about on selfie media.

Now, I've worked as as court clerk, and even obtained a mostly unused paralegal certification (on a break between college stints, to see how it went before returning to real college and obtain a money-making skill)… But this is, of course, an overwhelming task I'm likely to face.

But, gotta say, my fear of facing a real lawyer is assuaged as all hell viewing the "competency" of Rudy Giuliani…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/11/2018:
Among dude's fans, all of the eyes
on honor, from treaty re'lized…
Nope. But, one off, can pull!
There's wife, Maples, Daniels…
Deserves Nobel Piece…of Ass Prize!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/11/2018:
We just read of a Web site/app called Lifefaker, just one of many online "life faking" services to emerge recently, whereby users can do things such as place their faces in photos of "them" vacationing in exotic locales, undertaking adventurous tasks, etc.

Not sure what all the hoopla's about. These services are late to the table on this one, as they've been around for decades now, if a bit more do-it-yourself.

They're called "online dating sites"…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/12/2018:
To eye friend Jim's mom, Jack'd play hooky!
She'd suntan, he'd strain neck for look-see!
With hubby neglecting
her, spied Jack's erect thing
and had him in for MILF and cookies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/12/2018:
So the cultists of Fuehrer Trump are pushing for him to earn a Nobel Peace Prize over the Korean peace treaty.

Now, we're still not sure whether or not North Korea's gonna play chicken with the whole process, and yet, on him not, they're counting… Sure you guys wanna keep egging on the Nobel Committee with this one?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/13/2018:
Once "SNL," Joe Piscopo,
whines, "Stormy? Ain't asked ME on show!"
Why not? Well, can guess!
Thing--"newsworthiness"!
Got name in news, and, nice try, Joe!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/13/2018:
Seriously, spam "from" Stormy Daniels? Setting aside trifling matters such as, oh, likelihood and such, a guy's expected to open such e-mail?

Hey. We'll admit to watching porn. And we like to consider ourselves enlightened and such--not expecting women to conform to outdated ideals, often coupled with a double standard, of purity but… Wouldn't seriously do a porn star.

Oh, it's nice to think about, sure. But in real life? Think the operative term is…well, "ewww."

What kinda sleazeball would want to ACTUALLY do THAT?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/14/2018:
Leak trashed ceiling, down on me, Johnny;
filed small claim--full trial thrust upon me!
Must face real attorney…
But no sweat, discerned! See,
been watching "skills" of Giuliani!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/14/2018:
So… A Facebook dating app?

Seriously?

Guess it'll have appeal to those who like to do it while being watched…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/15/2018:
New "life faking" sites/apps are sating
folks urge for image masquerading!
World-wide selfies, action bound!
Why the whoop? Stuff's been 'round
long time--thing called "online dating"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/15/2018:
Fuehrer Trump is trying to finagle the United States Post Office into displaying photos of him and Vice Fuehrer Pence at all locations?

They should at least wait a bit. You know, so branches can place them next to the other mugshots...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/16/2018:
New FDA rule--tags to tell
meals' calories, restaurants! Swell!
Now folks' health, on-track goes!
Big Pharma, tobacco…
These labeling things work so well!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/16/2018:
I've bought Scott Peterson brand Polish sausages for many years. Warm weather staple--make 'em ala chili dogs for the last couple of years.

Yeah, I have quarter-Polish blood. Call me blasphemous. But they do indeed make a fine Polish, keeping in mind my needs of bun-length, economy and taste.

Now, there was one Scott Peterson in the news, fifteen-ish years back or so, for killing his wife. While that was in the news, I recently recalled being part of a conversation in which the fate of the sausage company, in light of this unexpected er…PR, was considered. Mostly, joked about.

Don't know why this all returned to the forefront of my melon recently, but… My package of polish sausages carries the brand name "Scott Pete."

Especially, I guess, when you're dealing with sausage-ground meat, oft the cuts which might be dubbed "mystery meat" and… Well, at least they're still around…

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/17/2018:
Urge, peace 'tween Koreas temp patched,
Peace Prize to Trump's name be attached?
Kim's already dickin'!
This "peace treaty" chicken
is counted well 'fore egg be hatched!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/17/2018:
Thailand is nursing a new cottage industry--for "rehab tourists."

See, the nation's a veritable den of drugs and vice, while being, of course, a beautiful, historic and exotic land, so… The various industries all supplement each other, apparently.

Go to Thailand. Get addicted. Go on a gorgeous rehab vacation… Go back to your addiction, as Big Rehab virtually ensures--and your options are right down the street from the rehab!… Go back for your next rehab… Lather, rinse, repeat!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/18/2018:
Spam from "Stormy Daniels"? So, cats
click, wild hopes of going to bat?
Porn--no prude, by far!
But real life? Porn star?
What kind of pure sleazeball'd do THAT?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/18/2018:
Following all the news on the Environmental Prevention Agency…er… Actually, maybe that works better… Anyway, following news on the EPA and Scott Pruitt and all that stuff, we're constantly wondering lately just what it'd take to get these climate change deniers to acknowledge the obvious scientific truth.

Short of waiting for all of this to hit far too close to home, of course.

Then comes this Aljazeera headline--

"UK: What Impact is Climate Change Having on Cricket?"

Somehow, don't think that's gonna do it…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/19/2018:
My birthday! But'd rather eschew
gifts and all that standard to-do...
'Cept dame jumping from a cake!
Always craved! Want fair shake!
Can have cake…and eat her, too!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/19/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Birthday to Our Chief Limericist!...

And a Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday, to boot!...

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SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/20/2018:
So Facebook, 'mid privacy botched,
will soon, to reign, dating site notch?
Sure sheep will use with zeal--
with a special appeal
to those folks who like being watched!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/20/2018:
From a Cuervo TV commercial--

"Tomorrow is Overrated."

Followed by--

"Drink Responsively."

With reality like this, who needs witty punditry?...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/21/2018:
Trump wants, in each post office, spot
for portraits of him and Pence. Slot
those "to come," if must, I say!
Then they can be displayed
right by the other mugshots!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/21/2018:
Received spam from "News Outlet."

Seriously? That's the best you can do?

Yeah, spam sucks. And there's no way in hell we'd ever purposefully click onto any links within a spam--in fact, even if we happened to be in the market for a product shilled via spam, and found the spam's offer a bargain and just what we wanted… Nope. We'd still buy it another way--store, directly from Web site, etc.--so as to ensure we do absolutely nothing to encourage the evil industry.

But we gotta admit that sometimes spam writers amuse us.

After "Doctor Tinitus" and "Stormy Daniels" and "Doctor Fungus"… "News Outlet" is the best you can do? We're seriously disappointed on this one...

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DAILY LIMERICK 5/22/2018:
In Thailand, new tourist retreat--
"Rehab Tours," smack dab 'mid Sin's Seat!
Get 'ddicted…get well!
Fit's Big Rehab swell!
Whole grind is "later, rinse, repeat…"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/22/2018:
So the Fuehrer Trump Administration is pushing abstinence-only sex education, which means… He he.

Ahem.

Abstinence-only from a fuehrer who… Hee hee…(chuckle chuckle)… Well.

Time to focus here, folks, because there is a serious point to be made here, another milestone of dubious distinction, since politicians used to at least HIDE their hypocrisies and… Hee hee.

Trump? Abstinence-only?... Haw haw hawwwwww…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/23/2018:
A sausage brand, found long-time treat,
Scott Peterson, seemed could be beat--
wife-killer, same named, in news!
New package bought, perused…
Whacha know! Now it's "Scott Pete"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/23/2018:
Slapper Yapper Grasshoppers should be aware of my recent-ish quest to eat a bit more healthy. Genetics, Father Time, all that.

This, of course, extends to my snacking. Hence I gave a whirl to these "veggie straws," a form of chip-like snack with various veggies in the recipe, such as beets and spinach.

Now, even when shootin' healthy, a snack should have certain qualities. Fun, tastiness… You know, they should qualify as an indulgence, even if a mild one.

Well… I think eating veggies straight-up, or perhaps dipped in salad dressing, brings a greater snacky feel than these things.

I suppose I'll guiltily keep the bag around, perhaps hoping I'll meet someone who likes them, before inevitably tossing the rest of those damned veggie straws in the trash… I tried!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/24/2018:
Through Cuervo ad, can plainly see
case human ambiguity--
urges booze lust sated,
"Tomorrow's ov'rated"…
and yet, folks, "drink responsibly"?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/24/2018:
Finally!

Okay, it's not here in America, but in the U.K., they're taking legal steps to right the horrible wrongs inflicted on the world by our handling of the Internet, starting with selfie media.

There's a list of problems they're seeking to address, including… Well, not including its lethal effect on copyright.

But, hey, at least there's hope for combatting things like cyber bullying and child sex trafficking amid our perpetually darkening Internet Dark Ages…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/25/2018:
Got spam, which said was from "News Outlet"?
Understatement to say I doubt! Yet…
"Froms" likes "Doctor Fungus,"
spam clever laugh's brung!... Must
say I'm disappointed about that!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/25/2018:
So the National Football League will likely institute a policy on the National Anthem whereby… Ahem.

Add this to the growing pile of reasons we're not even sure we'll pay attention to football anymore.

In fact, if we happen to be at a bar, or friend's place, etc. and a football game is on the TV screen… Well, maybe we'll just take a knee…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/26/2018:
G.I. Jane met perv G.I. Joe
with thing--handjobs, nice fingers, toes!
Her kung-fu grip rocked…
but squeezed flat his cock
and jism shot out of his nose!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/26/2018:
A Six Flags theme park is unveiling a new roller coaster dubbed "Mardi Gras Hangover."

Now, we could go into the physical details of the coaster itself--seems the news is lousy with them--but we're questioning its authenticity on other matters.

For instance, do you emerge from the ride with a sexually transmitted disease? Vomiting? Coming out of a blackout and being threatened by a guy named Pierre over an alleged multi-thousand-dollar tab to a madam?...

Happy Extra Cheezy Saturday!...

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 5/27/2018:
Here's joke, to help, 'case bummed or lonely!
Could dub "found gag"--no need to hone be!
'Bout sex education!
Two phrases, near-placin'…
Fuehrer Trump…and "abstinence-only"!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/27/2018:
Mussels off the Seattle coast have tested positive, you could say, for opioids.

And Fuehrer Trump is hard at work scrawling out an executive order to keep 'em off welfare…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/28/2018:
To catch-up with 'Net Age more fully,
in U.K., they'll use legal pull--see,
crackdown, like of trolls' bite…
No mention, copyright?
'Least Dark Ages will see few'r bullies!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/28/2018:
Happy Extra Cheezy Memorial Day!...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/29/2018:
O'er time, NFL's grown to be
more lame--kinder game, "fantasy"…
Bears suck! (Don't help!) And
rules Anthem, must stand?
Near game on now, I'm taking knee!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/29/2018:
Now, we've seen this happening in some ridiculous places, including awards shows and sporting events, but… Thanking God on Facebook? Or anywhere on selfie media?

Sure, the concept is that God Is Everywhere but… Sorry, sure as shootin' not THERE. Satan, maybe…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/30/2018:
As nod to health, for my snack stash,
tried "veggie straws"! Though conserve cash,
to like? How I tried!
Most of 'em? Can't lie!
I tossed near-full bag in the trash!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/30/2018:
I'm all for the idea of buying organic…in theory.

Natural, of course, beats artificial, processed, etc.--and tastes a lot better--but the way things shake out, with farm subsidies and other factors, organics are pricey as hell.

Another reason I haven't went fully organic relates to my shopping ritual--going as rarely as possible, buying high-use items in bulk, etc. Organics, by definition, don't keep as long.

With organics trendy these days, noting even Walmart in on the game lately (where I do much of my shopping)… Er, Walmart? Where they get low, low, LOW prices for a reason (and where I'm already extra cautious about purchasing produce)?

Now, Walmart's not seen as a Tech Giant or anything, but the mere fact that they have organic sections--with offerings not decomposing and crawling with maggots--seems to indicate they're employing some form of time travel…

******

DAILY LIMERICK 5/31/2018:
Six Flags' "Mardi Gras Hangover"?
What marketing brain fart, by Jove, there!
One--get sick? Who wants THAT?
Two--how like? Owe strange cat,
post black-out, in bed with real Rover?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 5/31/2018:
A headline caught our eye about "the most downloaded app in Apple's App Store," so we were curious as to just what that app is, here in our enlightened Information Age.

Turns out the app in question is Tik Tok.

It's used for easily making lip-sync videos of one's self.

Make that short-of-enlightened Info-Tainment Age…