Daily Limerick
Archives: August 1999

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Below, you’ll find a Daily Limerick. If you want to receive a Daily Limerick, you MUST e-mail me back. As limericks tend to be bawdy, you must ASK for them; I do not want to send them unsolicited, except for this first one. In other words, if you do NOT want to receive a free Daily Limerick from here on out, do nothing.

Again, a warning: Below is a limerick. Limericks tend to be bawdy. Trash this message if you’re not into bawdy.

8/1/99

There once was a hippie with bugs

who’s looks guaranteed she’d date lugs

so she burned her lip-stick

lost her craving for dick

and she’s now doing fine cleaning rugs.

8/2/99

There once was a monk who said “Ohmm”

who’d lived in the woods far from home

He never saw girls

yet so craved their curls

that one day he buggered a gnome

8/3/99

She was lonely and poor, this young poet

and the locals they all seemed to know it

and when in the right mood

—for some drink, smokes or food—

it was easy to get her to blow it.

8/4/99

Bill Clinton would sure like to quell

the buzz that he can’t play sax well

’cause despite his position

he’s a master musician

for he plays the whore-Monica swell!

8/5/99

There once was a spider named Jeb

and he mated with eight-legged Deb

he was craving some kink

so he probed with his dink

spinning on the end of a web.

8/6/99

Young Sharon she bought some im-plants

which changed the fit in most men’s pants

she’d fall down, but then

she’d bounce up again,

which for the mood didn’t enhance.

8/7/99

There was a young sex fiend named Rex

who demanded whipped cream with mouth sex

as he’d daily lick pelvis

he did soon look like Elvis

(but like A. Nicole Smith in the pecs)!

8/8/99

My penis did happen to rise

one day when a dame crossed my eyes

so as soon as I found

the nearest bathroom around

I rubbed my magic lamp for a prize.

8/9/99

There is a young fella from Philly

who names body parts (oh how silly!)

some find him crass and rough

but he’s harmless enough.

’cept perhaps when he’s playing “Free Willy.”

8/10/99

I once knew a lady from France

surprises and gifts made her dance

she’d giggle and clap

for all she could unwrap

so I stuck a red bow on my pants.

8/11/99

There once was a man named DuBose

whose penis was dwarfed by his nose

but his dames never cried

they were kept satisfied

though ’twas nasal sex—that curled their toes!

8/12/99

The limerick slam happens today

for this we should holler and bray

don’t stay in, please don’t cloister

for the world is your oyster

and you may have a roll in the hay!

8/13/99

There once was a fella named Lance

a good spanking left him entranced

on the street, he bent ova’

and was hit by a Nova

which caused jism to soak all his pants.

8/14/99

In fighting the Empire bad neighbor

Han Solo did suffer some labor

but saving the Princess

from Luke’s lust for inces’

’twas what really revved his light saber.

8/15/99

Now children love Star Wars it’s clear,

this the Right Wing does not seem to fear

and yet who doesn’t know

that ol’ C3P0

is a robot undoubtedly queer.

8/16/99

’Though I knew movie making was slow

(and) after “Jedi” the wait would just grow

still all things being equal

I gave up on the prequel

but a mere seventeen years ago.

8/17/99

’Though the long wait for “Menace” is over

(Mr. Lucas’ lucky green clover)

now it seems mere hijinx

’cause that damn Jar Jar Binks

sounds a bit much like that muppet Grover.

8/18/99

Between killing and taxes he’d levy

Darth Vader had chicks by the bevy

sure chicks fondled his globes

underneath all the robes

why do you think he’d breath so damn heavy?

ATTENTION! I AM SENDING YOU 4 LIMERICKS AT ONCE—FOR TODAY, THURSDAY AUG. 19, THROUGH SUNDAY AUG. 22. I’M TAKING A SMALL VACATION TYPE THING BUT I AM STILL SENDING A LIMERICK FOR EVERY DAY—JUST AHEAD OF TIME. REGULAR LIMERICK SERVICE WILL BEGIN ANEW AUG. 23. JUST READ ONE FOR EACH DAY TO SATISFY YOUR LIMERICK ADDICTION. NIBBLE AWAY AT THAT LIMERICK BONE!

8/19/99

A limerick a day can get grueling

just who in the hell am I fooling?

I sit here in trance

computer, no pants

with my hand and my schlong doin’ some dueling.

8/20/99

I think there’s a fiend in my pants

for each time that I catch a glance

of flesh-showing dames, see?

With fashions so fancy.

I swear that I feel the fiend dance!

8/21/99

I once knew a lady who’d scream

when not drinking hot tea with cream

one day made her Tetley®

and slapped up my meatly

that cream was not as it may seem!

8/22/99

Most people view porn stars as crass

almost as worthless as Phil Glass

but it’s fine, regardless

for performance artists

to place vegetable in their ass.

8/23/99

I once knew a man from Laguna

who went by the name, “Big Kahuna”

he spent all of his money

on lovely beach honey

and for most of his meals ate plain tuna.

8/24/99

If Republican s fail with the chicks—

despire all their fundraising tricks—

why did family guy Newty

get caught with fine young booty?

And why’s their top contender named “Bush”?

8/25/99

I knew a young lady from Dallas

who wanted to live in a palace

she moved to the Mid East

and figured, at the least,

she should learn to work well with a phallus

8/26/99

An eccentric young Romance book writer

fell in love with a smooth, handsome spider

during sex, her last breath

came from laughing to death

’cause he tickled like hell up inside her.

8/27/99

There once was a fella named Jo Jo

who tied his wee wee to a yo-yo.

At first it seemed fun

but, then, when he was done

it looked more like a Ding Dong than Ho Ho.

8/28/99

There was a young man from Urbana

whose cock was shaped like a banana

one day, feeling randy

hid it in a fruit stand-y—

which surpcised a poor shopper named Vanna

8/29/99

There was a young fella named Lance

who put jumping bean in his pants.

Though his rhythm was lacking

his geek-air started cracking

when his schlong sure learned quick how to dance!

8/30/99

There was a young lass from L.A.

who had just far too much to say

so I launched my pants South

put my schlong in her mouth—

my how quickly her words went away!

8/31/99

When I was a junior high loner

of a desperate heart, was the owner

I’d fail at school dances

for it’d hurt my chances—

my walking around with a boner!

Please e-mail a friend a day about joining this exciting, Original Daily Limerick service! Due to the bawdy nature of limericks, interested parties must E-MAIL ME AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON!

The Daily Limerick service began as a way of promoting the National All-Limerick Poetry Slam at the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam Competition in Chicago, 1999, which I hosted. It enjoyed such popularity, and the Limerick Slam was so well received (despite logistical problems, such as being booked at noon on a Thursday), that we thought we’d give this a try! The initial goal was for ONE MONTH, but I’m extending the experiment to a full year (that’s through July 11, 2000). I don’t know how many people I’ll need on my list by then to justify continuing the experiment even longer but...

Let’s see how many we can get on the limerick wagon! Only eleven more months...

 

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