Daily Limerick Archives: August 1999
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
Below, you’ll find a Daily Limerick. If you want to receive a Daily Limerick, you MUST e-mail me back. As limericks tend to be bawdy, you must ASK for them; I do not want to send them unsolicited, except for this first one. In other words, if you do NOT want to receive a free Daily Limerick from here on out, do nothing.
Again, a warning: Below is a limerick. Limericks tend to be bawdy. Trash this message if you’re not into bawdy.
There once was a hippie with bugs
who’s looks guaranteed she’d date lugs
so she burned her lip-stick
lost her craving for dick
and she’s now doing fine cleaning rugs.
There once was a monk who said “Ohmm”
who’d lived in the woods far from home
He never saw girls
yet so craved their curls
that one day he buggered a gnome
She was lonely and poor, this young poet
and the locals they all seemed to know it
and when in the right mood
—for some drink, smokes or food—
it was easy to get her to blow it.
Bill Clinton would sure like to quell
the buzz that he can’t play sax well
’cause despite his position
he’s a master musician
for he plays the whore-Monica swell!
There once was a spider named Jeb
and he mated with eight-legged Deb
he was craving some kink
so he probed with his dink
spinning on the end of a web.
Young Sharon she bought some im-plants
which changed the fit in most men’s pants
she’d fall down, but then
she’d bounce up again,
which for the mood didn’t enhance.
There was a young sex fiend named Rex
who demanded whipped cream with mouth sex
as he’d daily lick pelvis
he did soon look like Elvis
(but like A. Nicole Smith in the pecs)!
My penis did happen to rise
one day when a dame crossed my eyes
so as soon as I found
the nearest bathroom around
I rubbed my magic lamp for a prize.
There is a young fella from Philly
who names body parts (oh how silly!)
some find him crass and rough
but he’s harmless enough.
’cept perhaps when he’s playing “Free Willy.”
I once knew a lady from France
surprises and gifts made her dance
she’d giggle and clap
for all she could unwrap
so I stuck a red bow on my pants.
There once was a man named DuBose
whose penis was dwarfed by his nose
but his dames never cried
they were kept satisfied
though ’twas nasal sex—that curled their toes!
The limerick slam happens today
for this we should holler and bray
don’t stay in, please don’t cloister
for the world is your oyster
and you may have a roll in the hay!
There once was a fella named Lance
a good spanking left him entranced
on the street, he bent ova’
and was hit by a Nova
which caused jism to soak all his pants.
In fighting the Empire bad neighbor
Han Solo did suffer some labor
but saving the Princess
from Luke’s lust for inces’
’twas what really revved his light saber.
Now children love Star Wars it’s clear,
this the Right Wing does not seem to fear
and yet who doesn’t know
that ol’ C3P0
is a robot undoubtedly queer.
’Though I knew movie making was slow
(and) after “Jedi” the wait would just grow
still all things being equal
I gave up on the prequel
but a mere seventeen years ago.
’Though the long wait for “Menace” is over
(Mr. Lucas’ lucky green clover)
now it seems mere hijinx
’cause that damn Jar Jar Binks
sounds a bit much like that muppet Grover.
Between killing and taxes he’d levy
Darth Vader had chicks by the bevy
sure chicks fondled his globes
underneath all the robes
why do you think he’d breath so damn heavy?
ATTENTION! I AM SENDING YOU 4 LIMERICKS AT ONCE—FOR TODAY, THURSDAY AUG. 19, THROUGH SUNDAY AUG. 22. I’M TAKING A SMALL VACATION TYPE THING BUT I AM STILL SENDING A LIMERICK FOR EVERY DAY—JUST AHEAD OF TIME. REGULAR LIMERICK SERVICE WILL BEGIN ANEW AUG. 23. JUST READ ONE FOR EACH DAY TO SATISFY YOUR LIMERICK ADDICTION. NIBBLE AWAY AT THAT LIMERICK BONE!
A limerick a day can get grueling
just who in the hell am I fooling?
I sit here in trance
computer, no pants
with my hand and my schlong doin’ some dueling.
I think there’s a fiend in my pants
for each time that I catch a glance
of flesh-showing dames, see?
With fashions so fancy.
I swear that I feel the fiend dance!
I once knew a lady who’d scream
when not drinking hot tea with cream
one day made her Tetley®
and slapped up my meatly
that cream was not as it may seem!
Most people view porn stars as crass
almost as worthless as Phil Glass
but it’s fine, regardless
for performance artists
to place vegetable in their ass.
I once knew a man from Laguna
who went by the name, “Big Kahuna”
he spent all of his money
on lovely beach honey
and for most of his meals ate plain tuna.
If Republican s fail with the chicks—
despire all their fundraising tricks—
why did family guy Newty
get caught with fine young booty?
And why’s their top contender named “Bush”?
I knew a young lady from Dallas
who wanted to live in a palace
she moved to the Mid East
and figured, at the least,
she should learn to work well with a phallus
An eccentric young Romance book writer
fell in love with a smooth, handsome spider
during sex, her last breath
came from laughing to death
’cause he tickled like hell up inside her.
There once was a fella named Jo Jo
who tied his wee wee to a yo-yo.
At first it seemed fun
but, then, when he was done
it looked more like a Ding Dong than Ho Ho.
There was a young man from Urbana
whose cock was shaped like a banana
one day, feeling randy
hid it in a fruit stand-y—
which surpcised a poor shopper named Vanna
There was a young fella named Lance
who put jumping bean in his pants.
Though his rhythm was lacking
his geek-air started cracking
when his schlong sure learned quick how to dance!
There was a young lass from L.A.
who had just far too much to say
so I launched my pants South
put my schlong in her mouth—
my how quickly her words went away!
When I was a junior high loner
of a desperate heart, was the owner
I’d fail at school dances
for it’d hurt my chances—
my walking around with a boner!
Please e-mail a friend a day about joining this exciting, Original Daily Limerick service! Due to the bawdy nature of limericks, interested parties must E-MAIL ME AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON!
The Daily Limerick service began as a way of promoting the National All-Limerick Poetry Slam at the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam Competition in Chicago, 1999, which I hosted. It enjoyed such popularity, and the Limerick Slam was so well received (despite logistical problems, such as being booked at noon on a Thursday), that we thought we’d give this a try! The initial goal was for ONE MONTH, but I’m extending the experiment to a full year (that’s through July 11, 2000). I don’t know how many people I’ll need on my list by then to justify continuing the experiment even longer but...
Let’s see how many we can get on the limerick wagon! Only eleven more months...
P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!
(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.