Daily Limerick Archives: December 1999
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
Here is a sample of the Daily Limerick free e-mail service! That’s right, I don’t know why I do this, but I’m trying to host the world’s finest and largest free limerick e-mail service (my parents are not particularly proud)! This honor has been bestowed up you thanks to good friends, your cultured palate or... well, maybe I just found your e-mail address somewhere! If you want to join the dozens of other Daily Limerick subscribers nationwide, you MUST REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON THE LIST, as I don’t want trouble from sending unwilling recipients nasty little limericks. It’s as simple as that. If you would like to receive the service but at a different e-mail address, let me know!
If you don’t know what a limerick is, well... I’ll refrain from the jokes, but suffice it to say that limericks are brief poems in a certain meter of a randy nature. If you don’t like such fare, don’t worry, you will remain OFF THE LIST until you SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE PUT ON IT. Just delete this message and ignore the limerick below.
A SPECIAL TREAT FROM THE DAILY LIMERICK THROUGH DECEMBER:
ALL LIMERICKS WILL BE HOLIDAY-THEMED!
(You’ll have to disregard the politically incorrectness of the fact that I don’t know much about Hannukah or Kwanzaa, however.)
THE DAILY LIMERICK: Now up to a... a quarter of... a quarter of a hundred? Well, now up to 25 members! (At this rate, we’ll have 100 after a year!)
The Holiday season bring greetings
Some buy lots of porn for self treatings.
The Yuletide is here
so we send good cheer
and to the porn guys, Season’s Beatings!
For Frosty the Snowman they chose
a carrot to make his long nose.
But if you think him shy
watch when ladies come by
for the places that his long nose goes!
Now Rudolph, he has the red nose
and in Christmas fog it clearly glows.
Now the other reindeer
have their perks, but its clear
why you don’t hear much ’bout Donder’s hose!
Mrs. Clause is no angel, I fear
for the rumor that many now hear
is that she has affairs
(Santa C’s unawares)
’cause the fellow just comes once a year!
One Christmas Eve, ’neath the fireplace
Santa did sneak up on Dame Grace
that jolly old elf
did then touch himself
for Grace wore see-through scanty lace!
One of Santa’s elves, whom they called Randy
had an unhealthy love for the brandy.
Now his job wasn’t tough
stockings he was to stuff
’til he reached in the stockings of Candy!
There once was a woman named Dora
who was quite turned on by Menorrah.
And one night, by the candle
of her lust, she lost handle
and her panties went up in a roar-a.
A woman who danced for the Gap
gave Santa a dance in his lap.
Then she screwed like a ho’
but of gifts, ’twas one mo’
as she left Mr. Claus with the clap.
On Christmas Eve, all through the house
nobody stirred, even the mouse—
’Cept youngest son, Slade,
’twas “doctor” he played
and he stirred right up a girl’s blouse!
Once Santa hid behind a shelf
to make a bold pass at an elf
who wore a tight gown
but she turned him down
so Claus gave a gift to himself.
Now much has been said of St. Nick
and of his 12/24 trick.
But he does his living
for most of his giving
entails pixie dust and his prick!
How’d he get so evil, that grinch?
With grouchiness that just won’t flinch?
They say a small heart
but another part
of his body’s only an inch.
The was a slut from Jackson Hole
sick of receiving Christmas coal.
Went North with a cause:
to bribe Santa Claus
by servicing well his North Pole.
Babs brought Christmas cheer to old Scrooge
she put on fishnets and some rouge
gave his thing a tug
then quite a humbug
and he was reborn with his spooge.
Now Santa went crusin’ one day
with reindeer, up, up and away!
He’d swoop down toward dames
and ask for their names
and offer a roll in the sleigh.
Poor Amber just doesn’t feel right
spending Christmas under porn light.
But hey, you can bet,
that on that porn set
her Christmas is sure to be white.
A young man they call Jimmy Rawls
one day with pain did climb the walls
he yelled to his mistress
while they prepped for Christmas
and she thought he said, “Deck the balls.”
At an office party Wild Joe
got nutty with the mistletoe—
hung it from his belt
in hopes he’d be dealt
good luck in the form of a blow.
After watching a nudie flick
Santa craved to bury his prick
threw it in Ms. Claus
who yelled without pause
“You’re in the wrong chimney, St. Nick!”
A horny young elf they called Jake
was always turned-down on the make.
So he screwed each present
of Santa’s, ’twas pleasant
’til he porked a rock-hard fruitcake.
There was a great reindeer named Blonder
of whom daily Santa grew fonder.
Was his fastest flyer
but soon did retire
thanks to frequent mountings by Donder.
After too much egg nog and beer
an elf named Manuel went too near
a vibrating toy doe
on an eve with no snow
and he came upon that midnight clear.
A snow lady whose snow man had bossed her
got so damn fed up with him, he lost her.
She got tired of his games
quit snow men for snow dames
and she changed her name to Jodie Froster.
Tonight, for all those who believe
Santa brings his gifts—’tis Christmas Eve!
Forego milk and the cookies
(those are left for mere rookies)
and flash Santa a warm Christmas Beave!
It’s Christmas Day—let’s sing and dance!
For Peace and Good Will take a stance!
And to all those living
makes sure that your giving
includes what is inside your pants!
A conspiracy theor’ist named Shelly
believed the world would go to hell-y
on 2000’s Jan. 1.
For her last New Year’s fun
she bought crates of Y2KY Jelly!
Will 2000 crash our computers?
Will our streets be filled with vile looters?
I think we will be fine
’less we can’t get online
for our regular dose of Web hooters!
A horny adult’rer named Scott
threw it in young drunken damne’s twot
as his wife peed, New Year’s
but when she voiced her fears
that acquaintance was quickly forgot!
A dateless young nympho named Liz
could launch the most fabulous jizz.
When the count down began
she was near an old man
and when The Big Ball dropped, so did his.
Each new year, we seek out a solution
set goals that rarely see execution.
Though willpower will ebb
let’s hope porn on the Web
will resolve to have high’r resolution!
For the 1900s today
is the last of New Year’s Eve days
The end’s also near
for those who are queer
for it’s New Year’s Adam for gays!
Support the Arts! Recruit new Daily Limerick subscribers! Plus, you get your own personalized limerick for every recruit! Only until 2000 (or perhaps until SOMEBODY actually takes advantage of the offer that has run for months).
THE OFFER: Recruit a subscriber—that is, have THEM e-mail ME and indicate that YOU referred them—and you get your own limerick from the Daily Limerick! Just give Daily Limerick the name, subject, etc. you want the limerick about—within reason—and your friends will carry you away from your next party on their shoulders! Plus, you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that the DAILY LIMERICK featured you way back before its creator was appointed King of the World!
The Daily Limerick stumbled into being as a shill for the All Limerick Poetry Slam at the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam festivities in Chicago for 1999. As host and accidental champion of the event, I vowed from that day forth to continue the service for at least a year after being bitten by a radioactive leprechaun! I don’t guarantee GOOD limericks, I just guarantee DAILY limericks—though I’m proud of quite a few of them. Whether the Daily Limerick survives beyond the trial year depends on how big the list grows. But as long as the list is growin’, I’ll keep it goin’!
If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!
©1999 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.
P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!
(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.