Daily Limerick
Archives: December 1999

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!


Here is a sample of the Daily Limerick free e-mail service! That’s right, I don’t know why I do this, but I’m trying to host the world’s finest and largest free limerick e-mail service (my parents are not particularly proud)! This honor has been bestowed up you thanks to good friends, your cultured palate or... well, maybe I just found your e-mail address somewhere! If you want to join the dozens of other Daily Limerick subscribers nationwide, you MUST REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON THE LIST, as I don’t want trouble from sending unwilling recipients nasty little limericks. It’s as simple as that. If you would like to receive the service but at a different e-mail address, let me know!

If you don’t know what a limerick is, well... I’ll refrain from the jokes, but suffice it to say that limericks are brief poems in a certain meter of a randy nature. If you don’t like such fare, don’t worry, you will remain OFF THE LIST until you SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE PUT ON IT. Just delete this message and ignore the limerick below.




(You’ll have to disregard the politically incorrectness of the fact that I don’t know much about Hannukah or Kwanzaa, however.)


THE DAILY LIMERICK: Now up to a... a quarter of... a quarter of a hundred? Well, now up to 25 members! (At this rate, we’ll have 100 after a year!)



The Holiday season bring greetings

Some buy lots of porn for self treatings.

The Yuletide is here

so we send good cheer

and to the porn guys, Season’s Beatings!


For Frosty the Snowman they chose

a carrot to make his long nose.

But if you think him shy

watch when ladies come by

for the places that his long nose goes!


Now Rudolph, he has the red nose

and in Christmas fog it clearly glows.

Now the other reindeer

have their perks, but its clear

why you don’t hear much ’bout Donder’s hose!


Mrs. Clause is no angel, I fear

for the rumor that many now hear

is that she has affairs

(Santa C’s unawares)

’cause the fellow just comes once a year!


One Christmas Eve, ’neath the fireplace

Santa did sneak up on Dame Grace

that jolly old elf

did then touch himself

for Grace wore see-through scanty lace!


One of Santa’s elves, whom they called Randy

had an unhealthy love for the brandy.

Now his job wasn’t tough

stockings he was to stuff

’til he reached in the stockings of Candy!


There once was a woman named Dora

who was quite turned on by Menorrah.

And one night, by the candle

of her lust, she lost handle

and her panties went up in a roar-a.


A woman who danced for the Gap

gave Santa a dance in his lap.

Then she screwed like a ho’

but of gifts, ’twas one mo’

as she left Mr. Claus with the clap.


On Christmas Eve, all through the house

nobody stirred, even the mouse—

’Cept youngest son, Slade,

’twas “doctor” he played

and he stirred right up a girl’s blouse!


Once Santa hid behind a shelf

to make a bold pass at an elf

who wore a tight gown

but she turned him down

so Claus gave a gift to himself.


Now much has been said of St. Nick

and of his 12/24 trick.

But he does his living

for most of his giving

entails pixie dust and his prick!


How’d he get so evil, that grinch?

With grouchiness that just won’t flinch?

They say a small heart

but another part

of his body’s only an inch.


The was a slut from Jackson Hole

sick of receiving Christmas coal.

Went North with a cause:

to bribe Santa Claus

by servicing well his North Pole.


Babs brought Christmas cheer to old Scrooge

she put on fishnets and some rouge

gave his thing a tug

then quite a humbug

and he was reborn with his spooge.


Now Santa went crusin’ one day

with reindeer, up, up and away!

He’d swoop down toward dames

and ask for their names

and offer a roll in the sleigh.


Poor Amber just doesn’t feel right

spending Christmas under porn light.

But hey, you can bet,

that on that porn set

her Christmas is sure to be white.


A young man they call Jimmy Rawls

one day with pain did climb the walls

he yelled to his mistress

while they prepped for Christmas

and she thought he said, “Deck the balls.”


At an office party Wild Joe

got nutty with the mistletoe—

hung it from his belt

in hopes he’d be dealt

good luck in the form of a blow.


After watching a nudie flick

Santa craved to bury his prick

threw it in Ms. Claus

who yelled without pause

“You’re in the wrong chimney, St. Nick!”


A horny young elf they called Jake

was always turned-down on the make.

So he screwed each present

of Santa’s, ’twas pleasant

’til he porked a rock-hard fruitcake.


There was a great reindeer named Blonder

of whom daily Santa grew fonder.

Was his fastest flyer

but soon did retire

thanks to frequent mountings by Donder.


After too much egg nog and beer

an elf named Manuel went too near

a vibrating toy doe

on an eve with no snow

and he came upon that midnight clear.


A snow lady whose snow man had bossed her

got so damn fed up with him, he lost her.

She got tired of his games

quit snow men for snow dames

and she changed her name to Jodie Froster.


Tonight, for all those who believe

Santa brings his gifts—’tis Christmas Eve!

Forego milk and the cookies

(those are left for mere rookies)

and flash Santa a warm Christmas Beave!


It’s Christmas Day—let’s sing and dance!

For Peace and Good Will take a stance!

And to all those living

makes sure that your giving

includes what is inside your pants!


A conspiracy theor’ist named Shelly

believed the world would go to hell-y

on 2000’s Jan. 1.

For her last New Year’s fun

she bought crates of Y2KY Jelly!


Will 2000 crash our computers?

Will our streets be filled with vile looters?

I think we will be fine

’less we can’t get online

for our regular dose of Web hooters!


A horny adult’rer named Scott

threw it in young drunken damne’s twot

as his wife peed, New Year’s

but when she voiced her fears

that acquaintance was quickly forgot!


A dateless young nympho named Liz

could launch the most fabulous jizz.

When the count down began

she was near an old man

and when The Big Ball dropped, so did his.


Each new year, we seek out a solution

set goals that rarely see execution.

Though willpower will ebb

let’s hope porn on the Web

will resolve to have high’r resolution!


For the 1900s today

is the last of New Year’s Eve days

The end’s also near

for those who are queer

for it’s New Year’s Adam for gays!


Support the Arts! Recruit new Daily Limerick subscribers! Plus, you get your own personalized limerick for every recruit! Only until 2000 (or perhaps until SOMEBODY actually takes advantage of the offer that has run for months).

THE OFFER: Recruit a subscriber—that is, have THEM e-mail ME and indicate that YOU referred them—and you get your own limerick from the Daily Limerick! Just give Daily Limerick the name, subject, etc. you want the limerick about—within reason—and your friends will carry you away from your next party on their shoulders! Plus, you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that the DAILY LIMERICK featured you way back before its creator was appointed King of the World!


The Daily Limerick stumbled into being as a shill for the All Limerick Poetry Slam at the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam festivities in Chicago for 1999. As host and accidental champion of the event, I vowed from that day forth to continue the service for at least a year after being bitten by a radioactive leprechaun! I don’t guarantee GOOD limericks, I just guarantee DAILY limericks—though I’m proud of quite a few of them. Whether the Daily Limerick survives beyond the trial year depends on how big the list grows. But as long as the list is growin’, I’ll keep it goin’!


If you want to be on John Biederman’s e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, LA or elsewhere), let me know!


©1999 John Henry Biederman. All Rights Reserved.


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