Daily Limerick
Archives: July 1999

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!


This Limerick o’ the Day service is a mere taste of things to come when I host the All Limerick Poetry Slam on Thursday, Aug. 12, noon - 1:30 p.m., at the Subterranean, 2011 W. North Ave. This special slam is part of the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam Festivities in Chicago, Aug. 12 - 15.

Please e-mail a friend a day about joining this exciting Limerick o’ The Day service! Due to the bawdy nature of limericks, interested parties must E-MAIL ME AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON!


There once was a dame from Sheboygan,

when you met her, you’d swear she’s a coy one,

but real late, after work

at the kid’s store she clerks

she’s been known to go “wee!” with a toy gun.


In a good mood, one night, I did dance

at the TV I happened to glance

I saw Jenny Love Hewitt

of the dance, I said “screw it”

and soon found I was stuck to my pants.


We once knew a woman named Heather,

who had quite a fondness for leather

only Freddy did date her

and now no-one will mate her

for she filled up his rectum with feather.

Pool ’ol Freddy now never eats beans,

for whenever he farts now his spleen’s

all aflutter with giggles

and his cheeks shake with wiggles

and he sometimes just craps in his jeans.


On the night that the Johnsons were wed,

their hotel had an electric bed,

she went sucking “down there”

but it frizzed up her hair

when a lightning bolt shot from its head!


There once was a man from Hong Kong

who had the most lengthy ol’ shlong

once he dated a Midget

whom they called “Greedy Gidget”

but she’s now “Shish-ka-bob in a Thong”


Young Jim was a virgin who’s goal

was to finally sink deep his pole.

So he took home a floozy—

worked so quick he turned woozy—

and he threw his dong in the wrong hole!


There was a buff, swarthy young dentist

who had quite a buxon apprentice

when her teeth were in pain

gave her his nova-cane

to ensure oral sex to be gentlest


If your girl ever eats pop rocks candy

and you think that she’s feeling quite randy

drop your pants to the floor

for a hum then impore

and await the explosions so dandy!


If you’d rather Peep Tom than go dating,

and you prowl Tinsel Town, just awaiting

glance of Mira Sorvino

and you catch Janet Reno

better hope you’re not yet masturbating!


There once was a man in the mob

lusting after a movie heart-throb

pulled some stings, and they met

on her horror flick’s set

and in darkness he felt up “The Blob.”


I once hired myself a French maid

and felt real cool, like Rubin Kincaid

But she didn’t like dustin’­—

yet exceled at nut bustin’—

so I held my own labor parade


There’s once was a man from Oswego

who found himself dating a Dago

he made pasta, low-cost

but was fresh out of sauce

so he tossed off and made some Alfredo.


I went into town for some bankin’

and I saw a broad who was high-rankin’—

she was at least an “8”

but her ass was so great

I embarked on a vigorous spankin’!


There’s an artist I know who’ll do flips

over woman-kind’s lowermost tips.

How his John Thomas grows

when he glimpses she-toes

there was one time he caught athlete’s mouth!

[NOTE from 2003: The last word was supposed to be “lips.”]


There was a white boy they called Dan

who’s birth was not part of the plan

but his parents had fun

out by the Rising Sun—

you can say he was made in Japan.


There once was a tall girl named Bridgette

who had quite a thing for a midget

when they started to sin—

the poor guy fell right in—

lest you wonder why she’ll often fidget.


Young Freddie, he wanted to do

a Chinese girl, for something new

so he did one quite busty

but was once again lusty

just a half an hour after the screw.


There once was a shy lonely Satyr

who became quite a famed masturbator

one time went on a date

but she got quite irate

when he looked for the tube to inflate her.


There once was a fella named Ricky

who thought he’d wack off sly and tricky

at the Omni, saw Helen

threw his shlong in a melon—

and the next lady thumpin’ got sticky.


A virgin young man thought one day,

“Why it might well be nice to turn gay,”

but it came as a shock

that he’d have to crave cock

so his same-sex desires went away.


Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)


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