Daily Limerick Archives: July 1999
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
This Limerick o’ the Day service is a mere taste of things to come when I host the All Limerick Poetry Slam on Thursday, Aug. 12, noon - 1:30 p.m., at the Subterranean, 2011 W. North Ave. This special slam is part of the 10th Anniversary National Poetry Slam Festivities in Chicago, Aug. 12 - 15.
Please e-mail a friend a day about joining this exciting Limerick o’ The Day service! Due to the bawdy nature of limericks, interested parties must E-MAIL ME AND REQUEST TO BE PUT ON!
There once was a dame from Sheboygan,
when you met her, you’d swear she’s a coy one,
but real late, after work
at the kid’s store she clerks
she’s been known to go “wee!” with a toy gun.
In a good mood, one night, I did dance
at the TV I happened to glance
I saw Jenny Love Hewitt
of the dance, I said “screw it”
and soon found I was stuck to my pants.
We once knew a woman named Heather,
who had quite a fondness for leather
only Freddy did date her
and now no-one will mate her
for she filled up his rectum with feather.
Pool ’ol Freddy now never eats beans,
for whenever he farts now his spleen’s
all aflutter with giggles
and his cheeks shake with wiggles
and he sometimes just craps in his jeans.
On the night that the Johnsons were wed,
their hotel had an electric bed,
she went sucking “down there”
but it frizzed up her hair
when a lightning bolt shot from its head!
There once was a man from Hong Kong
who had the most lengthy ol’ shlong
once he dated a Midget
whom they called “Greedy Gidget”
but she’s now “Shish-ka-bob in a Thong”
Young Jim was a virgin who’s goal
was to finally sink deep his pole.
So he took home a floozy—
worked so quick he turned woozy—
and he threw his dong in the wrong hole!
There was a buff, swarthy young dentist
who had quite a buxon apprentice
when her teeth were in pain
gave her his nova-cane
to ensure oral sex to be gentlest
If your girl ever eats pop rocks candy
and you think that she’s feeling quite randy
drop your pants to the floor
for a hum then impore
and await the explosions so dandy!
If you’d rather Peep Tom than go dating,
and you prowl Tinsel Town, just awaiting
glance of Mira Sorvino
and you catch Janet Reno
better hope you’re not yet masturbating!
There once was a man in the mob
lusting after a movie heart-throb
pulled some stings, and they met
on her horror flick’s set
and in darkness he felt up “The Blob.”
I once hired myself a French maid
and felt real cool, like Rubin Kincaid
But she didn’t like dustin’—
yet exceled at nut bustin’—
so I held my own labor parade
There’s once was a man from Oswego
who found himself dating a Dago
he made pasta, low-cost
but was fresh out of sauce
so he tossed off and made some Alfredo.
I went into town for some bankin’
and I saw a broad who was high-rankin’—
she was at least an “8”
but her ass was so great
I embarked on a vigorous spankin’!
There’s an artist I know who’ll do flips
over woman-kind’s lowermost tips.
How his John Thomas grows
when he glimpses she-toes
there was one time he caught athlete’s mouth!
[NOTE from 2003: The last word was supposed to be “lips.”]
There was a white boy they called Dan
who’s birth was not part of the plan
but his parents had fun
out by the Rising Sun—
you can say he was made in Japan.
There once was a tall girl named Bridgette
who had quite a thing for a midget
when they started to sin—
the poor guy fell right in—
lest you wonder why she’ll often fidget.
Young Freddie, he wanted to do
a Chinese girl, for something new
so he did one quite busty
but was once again lusty
just a half an hour after the screw.
There once was a shy lonely Satyr
who became quite a famed masturbator
one time went on a date
but she got quite irate
when he looked for the tube to inflate her.
There once was a fella named Ricky
who thought he’d wack off sly and tricky
at the Omni, saw Helen
threw his shlong in a melon—
and the next lady thumpin’ got sticky.
A virgin young man thought one day,
“Why it might well be nice to turn gay,”
but it came as a shock
that he’d have to crave cockso his same-sex desires went away.
P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!
(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.