Daily Limerick Archives: September 1999
Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!
NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!
NOTE: As the Daily Limerick is taking a brief vacation in the area before a cross-country move—I’m moving the office of operations to Los Angeles at the end of the month—prepare to receive MORE THAN ONE DAY’S WORTH OF LIMERICKS at this time. (I haven’t yet figured out how to schedule e-mail with my e-mail program yet.) So, if you need to satisfy your RDLA (Recommended Daily Limerick Allowance), read but one limerick per day! Here are your Daily Limericks for 9/24 through 9/27/99:
While the Daily Limerick is changing its home office to Los Angeles, it is necessary to email MORE THAN ONE DAY’S WORTH OF LIMERICKS at this time yet again! (I haven’t yet figured out how to schedule e-mail with my e-mail program yet.) So, if you need to satisfy your RDLA (Recommended Daily Limerick Allowance), read but one limerick per day! Here are your Daily Limericks for 9/28 through 10/3/99:
Below, you’ll find a sample the Daily Limerick E-Mail Service. If you want to receive a Daily Limerick, you MUST e-mail me back and ASK TO BE INCLUDED IN THE DAILY LIMERICK SERVICE! As limericks tend to be bawdy, you must ASK for them; I do not want to send them unsolicited, except for this first one. In other words, if you do NOT want to receive a free Daily Limerick from here on out, do nothing.
Again, a warning: Below is a limerick. Limericks tend to be bawdy. Trash this message if you’re not into bawdy.
When Fred spent a long night in jail
whacked off on stamps, thinking of Gail
she, when they were through,
asked where their love’d went to—
he told her it was lost in the mail.
There’s was a buck-white boy from Vale
who wanted to sample black tail
in a dim-lit black club
buried deep his starved chub
and suddenly his dance steps never fail.
There was a pervert named Kaleel
for whom scamming chicks was Ideal
but he didn’t do well
so when his wienie’d swell
he would settle for coppin’ a feel.
Now everyone wondered why Ed
would spend so much time in the shed
’cause it houses a dwarf
whom he found on the wharf
and’s so grateful he always gives head.
King Midas one day sported lumber
and called up a 900 number
he whacked to the goodies
since then his poor woody’s
forever in 14K slumber.
There was a young blonde college flirt
who kept her pet cat in her skirt
despite some large titties
she still had TWO kitties—
so sometimes she threw in a Cert.
There was a punk girl, barely legal
whose face looked a bit like a beagle
in the bedroom, she cooked
but her pubic hair looked
like the bass player from the Flock of Seagulls.
Old Al liked to hump ladies’ feet
(which, to some, was a ticklish treat)
you can spot his new honey—
she’s the one who walks funny—
for old Al has 10 inches of meat.
Young Melvin enjoyed kinky sports
and once put a toad in his shorts
its hoppin’ about
made him gleefully shout
but he cried afterward at the warts.
If your penis was much like a car
and needed some gas to go far
we’d all either drink petro
or cum yesterday—retro—
and we couldn’t smoke at any bar.
Now Bill was so funny and droll
you'd swear you were smokin' a bowl
when his funny bone'd flex.
And once during sex
made one woman laugh through her hole!
Laurie never said "no's" or "maybes"
her craving for cock was like rabies.
She made casts of her boys
stuffed, plushed repro toys
and she called her cloth friends "weinie babies."
A young lass I met in the mall
carved daily a good anal ball.
She ate lots of beans
and when I got in her jeans
she blasted my out to the wall!
Bill Clinton is a Beaver Czar
his mom even knew he'd go far
since his height was so low—
but just how could she know?
The things he'd do with a cigar!
There was a hot mama named Flo
who's bod caused one's penis to grow.
Yet this 70s chick
oh so rarely took dick
so I'd sneak and make love to her fro.
Do you know that famous Jack Spratt
like women with no surface flat?
Yet in times of nookie
could not find wife’s cookie
and so he just humped rolls of fat.
There was a young mouse, quite a stoner
who one day received quite a boner
he dropped to his knees
beside a swiss cheese
said, “praise God for the holes—I’m a loner!”
There was a young man from Green Bay
who, during a roll in the hay,
became quite confused
and left an ass bruised—
he played for the Packers that day!
A warrior dame with a goiter
waited for the king to annoit her
whereon the growth lies
which is on her thighs
the sceptre also did exploit her.
A young lady who was a hippy
one day felt an itch in her lippy
she asked a musician
to enter, fly fishin’
which made her poor lippy quite drippy!
Feel free to believe all the rumors
about the man with two, inch tumors
—each hard as a rock
atop his ol’ cock—
he dropped many Fruit of the Loomers.
There was a young girl who drank Ripple
and squeezed zits like old Mr. Whipple
she gave it her best
with one on her chest
and accidentally popped her nipple.
Thank Heavens for the Internet
and all the new things we can get
thanks to when we were born
our vari’ty of porn
is the greatest it’s ever been yet.
A young lady that we’ll call Joy
made vibrators her favorite toy.
When she tried a real riser
she shoved an Energizer
right up the ass of the poor boy.
I once knew a horny old gator
was tired of bein’ a masturbator
so he hopped on a chick
and she flew a way quick—
little’d he know she was an inflator!
There was a young shaver named Simon
who was an accomplished hair pie man
he played Simon Says
with a man hating lez
—and still somehow broke through her hymen!
There once was a snowman named Cleaver
built by a hot chick named Bess Weaver
up went his low carrot
and he wanted to share it
now she has a frost bitten beaver!
A young guy with much older friends
liked older chicks for grunts and bends.
How well well goes a dance
in an old ladies pants?
I’d guess you’d say that all Depends!
There once was a fisherman lass
who had trouble scoring some ass
bought candles, good wine
and new fishing twine
and threw his fat worm in a bass.
There was a young man who chewed Skoal
all day—once he went for a roll
in the hay, quite immoral,
and gave his partner oral
and the chaw burnt like hell in her hole.
TAKE PART IN THE DAILY LIMERICK MEMBERSHIP DRIVE—WITH PRIZES!
I’ve been telling the Daily Limerick subscribers all along to forward samples to friends, colleagues, etc., who may be interested in the service. And, sure, the service has grown, from three mere subscribers in mid-July to the seventeen we have today. Yet I’ve pledged to continue this service for one year—after that point, the Daily Limerick will only continue if we have a “respectable number” of subscribers. How many is a “respectable number”? I don’t know. But...
For now (offer subject to ending whenever it becomes to much for me), for every new subscriber you bring to the service, I’ll give you a personal limerick! Sort of like an improv limerick, only not live! Give me a couple nouns, a situation and... WALLA! Your own personal limerick, courtesy of the Daily Limerick E-Mail Service!
The Daily Limerick began as a transparent ploy to get more attendees to the All-Limerick Poetry Slam at the Tenth Anniversary National Poetry Slam, in Chicago, 1999. The event took place on Aug. 12 at noon (after poets just got into town the night before and proceeded to get liquored out of their minds)—and yet, it was well-attended and successful! The Daily Limerick began a month earlier, on July 12... and it rages on today!
P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!
(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.