Daily Limerick
Archives: September 1999

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!


NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!


NOTE: As the Daily Limerick is taking a brief vacation in the area before a cross-country move—I’m moving the office of operations to Los Angeles at the end of the month—prepare to receive MORE THAN ONE DAY’S WORTH OF LIMERICKS at this time. (I haven’t yet figured out how to schedule e-mail with my e-mail program yet.) So, if you need to satisfy your RDLA (Recommended Daily Limerick Allowance), read but one limerick per day! Here are your Daily Limericks for 9/24 through 9/27/99:

While the Daily Limerick is changing its home office to Los Angeles, it is necessary to email MORE THAN ONE DAY’S WORTH OF LIMERICKS at this time yet again! (I haven’t yet figured out how to schedule e-mail with my e-mail program yet.) So, if you need to satisfy your RDLA (Recommended Daily Limerick Allowance), read but one limerick per day! Here are your Daily Limericks for 9/28 through 10/3/99:


Below, you’ll find a sample the Daily Limerick E-Mail Service. If you want to receive a Daily Limerick, you MUST e-mail me back and ASK TO BE INCLUDED IN THE DAILY LIMERICK SERVICE! As limericks tend to be bawdy, you must ASK for them; I do not want to send them unsolicited, except for this first one. In other words, if you do NOT want to receive a free Daily Limerick from here on out, do nothing.

Again, a warning: Below is a limerick. Limericks tend to be bawdy. Trash this message if you’re not into bawdy.


When Fred spent a long night in jail

whacked off on stamps, thinking of Gail

she, when they were through,

asked where their love’d went to—

he told her it was lost in the mail.


There’s was a buck-white boy from Vale

who wanted to sample black tail

in a dim-lit black club

buried deep his starved chub

and suddenly his dance steps never fail.


There was a pervert named Kaleel

for whom scamming chicks was Ideal

but he didn’t do well

so when his wienie’d swell

he would settle for coppin’ a feel.


Now everyone wondered why Ed

would spend so much time in the shed

’cause it houses a dwarf

whom he found on the wharf

and’s so grateful he always gives head.


King Midas one day sported lumber

and called up a 900 number

he whacked to the goodies

since then his poor woody’s

forever in 14K slumber.


There was a young blonde college flirt

who kept her pet cat in her skirt

despite some large titties

she still had TWO kitties—

so sometimes she threw in a Cert.


There was a punk girl, barely legal

whose face looked a bit like a beagle

in the bedroom, she cooked

but her pubic hair looked

like the bass player from the Flock of Seagulls.


Old Al liked to hump ladies’ feet

(which, to some, was a ticklish treat)

you can spot his new honey—

she’s the one who walks funny—

for old Al has 10 inches of meat.


Young Melvin enjoyed kinky sports

and once put a toad in his shorts

its hoppin’ about

made him gleefully shout

but he cried afterward at the warts.


If your penis was much like a car

and needed some gas to go far

we’d all either drink petro

or cum yesterday—retro—

and we couldn’t smoke at any bar.


Now Bill was so funny and droll

you'd swear you were smokin' a bowl

when his funny bone'd flex.

And once during sex

made one woman laugh through her hole!


Laurie never said "no's" or "maybes"

her craving for cock was like rabies.

She made casts of her boys

stuffed, plushed repro toys

and she called her cloth friends "weinie babies."


A young lass I met in the mall

carved daily a good anal ball.

She ate lots of beans

and when I got in her jeans

she blasted my out to the wall!


Bill Clinton is a Beaver Czar

his mom even knew he'd go far

since his height was so low—

but just how could she know?

The things he'd do with a cigar!


There was a hot mama named Flo

who's bod caused one's penis to grow.

Yet this 70s chick

oh so rarely took dick

so I'd sneak and make love to her fro.


Do you know that famous Jack Spratt

like women with no surface flat?

Yet in times of nookie

could not find wife’s cookie

and so he just humped rolls of fat.


There was a young mouse, quite a stoner

who one day received quite a boner

he dropped to his knees

beside a swiss cheese

said, “praise God for the holes—I’m a loner!”


There was a young man from Green Bay

who, during a roll in the hay,

became quite confused

and left an ass bruised—

he played for the Packers that day!


A warrior dame with a goiter

waited for the king to annoit her

whereon the growth lies

which is on her thighs

the sceptre also did exploit her.


A young lady who was a hippy

one day felt an itch in her lippy

she asked a musician

to enter, fly fishin’

which made her poor lippy quite drippy!


Feel free to believe all the rumors

about the man with two, inch tumors

—each hard as a rock

atop his ol’ cock—

he dropped many Fruit of the Loomers.


There was a young girl who drank Ripple

and squeezed zits like old Mr. Whipple

she gave it her best

with one on her chest

and accidentally popped her nipple.


Thank Heavens for the Internet

and all the new things we can get

thanks to when we were born

our vari’ty of porn

is the greatest it’s ever been yet.


A young lady that we’ll call Joy

made vibrators her favorite toy.

When she tried a real riser

she shoved an Energizer

right up the ass of the poor boy.


I once knew a horny old gator

was tired of bein’ a masturbator

so he hopped on a chick

and she flew a way quick—

little’d he know she was an inflator!


There was a young shaver named Simon

who was an accomplished hair pie man

he played Simon Says

with a man hating lez

—and still somehow broke through her hymen!


There once was a snowman named Cleaver

built by a hot chick named Bess Weaver

up went his low carrot

and he wanted to share it

now she has a frost bitten beaver!


A young guy with much older friends

liked older chicks for grunts and bends.

How well well goes a dance

in an old ladies pants?

I’d guess you’d say that all Depends!


There once was a fisherman lass

who had trouble scoring some ass

bought candles, good wine

and new fishing twine

and threw his fat worm in a bass.


There was a young man who chewed Skoal

all day—once he went for a roll

in the hay, quite immoral,

and gave his partner oral

and the chaw burnt like hell in her hole.


I’ve been telling the Daily Limerick subscribers all along to forward samples to friends, colleagues, etc., who may be interested in the service. And, sure, the service has grown, from three mere subscribers in mid-July to the seventeen we have today. Yet I’ve pledged to continue this service for one year—after that point, the Daily Limerick will only continue if we have a “respectable number” of subscribers. How many is a “respectable number”? I don’t know. But...

For now (offer subject to ending whenever it becomes to much for me), for every new subscriber you bring to the service, I’ll give you a personal limerick! Sort of like an improv limerick, only not live! Give me a couple nouns, a situation and... WALLA! Your own personal limerick, courtesy of the Daily Limerick E-Mail Service!

The Daily Limerick began as a transparent ploy to get more attendees to the All-Limerick Poetry Slam at the Tenth Anniversary National Poetry Slam, in Chicago, 1999. The event took place on Aug. 12 at noon (after poets just got into town the night before and proceeded to get liquored out of their minds)—and yet, it was well-attended and successful! The Daily Limerick began a month earlier, on July 12... and it rages on today!


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